Don’t Rush Your Life Away

I’m 27 (and a half).  I’m not your typical girl who has envisioned all of the details of her wedding day.  I actually tend to dislike most weddings.  I’m also not your typical girl who oohs and aahs over babies.  Yes, I like children, but I don’t particularly feel the yearning to have a baby at the moment.  Yet I can’t help but feel like I’m falling behind when I see how friends from college have been married for five years and they already have three children.

It’s so easy to get caught up in those sorts of things, which sometimes causes me to feel like I’m missing something.  I now have students who I taught while I was student teaching who are engaged and married.

It’s easy to get consumed by all of those stories and to feel like a bit of a failure when life doesn’t seem to be working out the way that it “should.”

But I must stop and remember that I really do have a lot of great things in my life.  I have a solid career, now onto my 6th year of teaching.  I have a beautiful apartment.  Since my boyfriend broke up with me three weeks ago, I have been trying to delve into my faith more deeply than I had recently.

Tonight at Eucharistic adoration, I was just thinking about life in general.  I see engagement after engagement, wedding after wedding, baby after baby.  Although I don’t feel like I need any of those right now, they are difficult to ignore.

My students are always talking about how people these days are too picky, how anyone who is still single after 30 is just being too picky and they will probably end up alone.  Granted, this is advise coming from a bunch of 17 and 18 year olds, but still, I sometimes can’t help myself from thinking about their comments.

But when I think about what I would want in a future husband, I want things that I’m not sure that I’ve found yet.  Some of these include:

-Someone who loves God more than he loves me

-Someone who is bringing me closer to Heaven

-Someone with whom my soul could spend eternity

-Someone who brings out all of the best qualities in me

-Someone who will pray with me

-Someone who I can be myself around

-Someone who is confident, yet humble, kind, yet not a pushover, friendly, but not crass or vulgar

I know that God has a plan for me, which may include a husband (or it may not), and which may include my own children (or it may not), or it may include adopted children (or it may not).

I need to maintain the faith that I will know when things are right.  Granted, I truly believed my most recent boyfriend was the one I would spend the rest of my life with, but maybe when I really find the right person, it will feel different than this.  Maybe the certainty that I thought I felt will be multiplied exponentially.

I would rather be single and lonely now as opposed to divorced and lonely ten or twenty years from now, after settling for the wrong person.

27 is still young.  I could still end up in so many situations.  I could stay in New Jersey forever.  Or I could randomly end up living across the country.

That’s the great thing about life – its uncertainty.  None of us know where we may end up in the future.  We just need to trust that God has our best interests in mind and that He will help to lead us in the right direction as long as we try to follow His will for us.

Focusing on Me

Life has been a bit hectic lately.

-My boyfriend dumped me almost 3 weeks ago

-I live in a new state where I don’t really know anyone other than my ex and his family

-My job has been extra stressful lately, due to some deadlines that are quickly approaching

-My Lyme disease has been acting up

-My mom, who I usually call after work, is on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land (which is completely amazing, don’t get me wrong.  But selfish me is sad that I can’t call her)

Although my breakup is definitely not easy, I figured that the timing was pretty good since Lent is a time to reflect and make sacrifices and focus more deeply on God.

That’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do.  I’m trying to focus on God and also focus on bettering myself, in terms of my faith, my diet, and my exercise.

Faith

Although I’m absolutely still upset, I’m finding moments of peace with God.  So in terms of my religious journey this Lent, this is what I’ve been doing so far:

1. Every morning I read the day’s devotional from the book, God Calling.  I then read the day’s devotional in a Lent booklet that I got at church.
2. On Fridays, I go to Stations of the Cross.
3. On Saturday or Sunday I go to Mass.
4. Last week I remembered that Mondays are a holy hour of Eucharistic adoration at my church, so I went to confession and then to adoration.
5. I had given up all non-Christian music for Lent, so I’m listening to the Christian radio station or my Tenth Avenue North cd on repeat since I just love it so much.

Food

I usually eat pretty healthy when I’m by myself because I really don’t mind eating the same things over and over.  I don’t mind eating healthy (or even bland) things.  So these are some of the foods I’ve been eating lately since they’re easy to make and also healthy (minus the random desserts that I obviously sneak in):

1. Quinoa
2. Kefir
3. Black beans
4. Broccoli
5. Green Beans
6. Organic chicken breast
7. Wild salmon
8. Greek yogurt
9. Guacamole
10. Fuji and golden delicious apples
11. Sweet potatoes
12. Kidney beans
13. Carrots
14. Wild Rice
15. Mushrooms
16. Organic skim milk

Exercise

I’ve also been focused on getting back into shape.  2015 was not a great year in terms of my Lyme symptoms.  I am determined that 2016 will be better.  So this is what I’ve been doing to better myself in terms of exercise:

1. Hot yoga – I’ve never done any kind of  yoga, but I signed up for ten 75-minute sessions of hot yoga.  It’s way more difficult than I expected, but I’m definitely starting to enjoy it.  So far, I’ve gone three times.
2. Running – I used to be able to run a half marathon, no problem.  Now I’m slowly working my way back up to distance running.  Last week I ran a 5k (3.1 miles) in 29 minutes and I was pretty happy with that since I haven’t been running much lately.
3. Walking – On days when I’m too sore to run, I go for walks on the boardwalk or on the beach if it isn’t too windy.
4. Lifting – I’m slowly starting to lift weights.  My shoulders have been very tight, so I’m going easy on the weights for now.
5. Plyometrics – I do some of these exercises to gain strength for my running.  Squats, jump squats, lunges, jump lunges, burpees, etc.

Unfortunately, the end of this week was not great in terms of my exercise, due to stressful situations at my job, but I am trying my hardest to relax and stay calm and not allow the stress to cause my back to hurt too much.

Now that spring is quickly approaching, I am ready for a new beginning for myself in so many ways, and the first part of that requires me to focus on my health and well-being so that I am able to more easily accomplish my goals.

Writing Instead of Drinking

On days like today, I wish I was a drinker.  I’d love to use alcohol to suppress the day’s frustrations, to relax me and help me to forget about life.

Instead, I’ll just vent a bit on here…

A little over two weeks ago, my then boyfriend dumped me after our almost 2 year relationship, my Lyme was acting up, my mom was leaving for Israel (which is awesome minus my lack of ability to contact her right now), and work was stressful.  I was lonely, now living in a new state without friends or family close by.  I knew things could get worse, but I hoped to God that they wouldn’t.

Sometimes I just don’t understand how He thinks I can handle so much.  They say God won’t throw us more than we can handle, but I’m starting to doubt that.  I just feel like I’m already trying to overcome so much, and then my feet still keep getting pulled out from under me.

I’m proud of the way I’m handling my breakup.  I’ve been in no contact with my ex for 16 days now.  I’m also eating healthy.  I’ve finally gotten back into working out, doing hot yoga, walking, and running.  I thought things were finally getting better.

Then today happened.  Just like some of my other recent blogs, it has to do with my job, so I can’t get detailed.

Basically, because I’m in a new job this year, I am getting pushed into situations where I can’t speak up for myself without very likely not being rehired for next year.

I am being thrown under the bus (along with other people) for things that I did not do wrong.  Rather, the person in charge of the whole situation told us incorrect information (but was smart enough not to put it into writing, so we have no proof of what he told us to do).

I was interrupted in the middle of trying to teach my class today with this bad news.  For the rest of the 88-minute period, I had to do everything I could to will the tears welling up in the bottom of my eyes not to overflow and drop down my cheeks.  I did NOT want my students to see me crying.

I wasn’t crying out of sadness, but out of helplessness, frustration, anger (and my recent breakup probably didn’t help my emotional state either), you name it.

My students knew I was not being myself.  They kept asking if I was okay.  Their concern made me want to cry even more.  I think a few of them could see me blinking back the tears in my eyes.

And to think that my morning had started out great.  A former student found me on Facebook and sent me this message:

Hey, how are you? I must say you were the best teacher I ever had. You were so involved in our education. Thank you so much for making me feel like some does care about my future.

I love hearing from former students.  That message started my morning in such a positive way.

I was all caught up with my work.  I had interesting lessons to teach.  Then moments later, everything became a hectic whirlwind of emotions.

I know that many times it takes these terrible, painful situations to find God more deeply, but I thought I was doing a good job of that.  Since my breakup, I have been doing stations of the cross each week.  This Monday I went to Eucharistic adoration and confession.  I’ve been reading my devotional every morning.  I’ve been turning to Him so much and yet everything just keeps getting worse.

I know I have people I can talk to, but I still so badly want to call my mom.  I hope she’s having an amazing time in the Holy Land, but the selfish side of me just wants to be able to contact her so badly.

On top of everything, I had been making a lot of progress in terms of working out, but due to today’s stress levels, my back, neck, shoulders, and joints in general are all hurting like crazy right now.  I’m hoping not to relapse again, but it’s times like these that make my Lyme flare up.  I can’t handle that on top of everything else right now.  I just feel like I’m drowning.

I know things could be worse.  I know life is hard.  I know that it will get better.  But I’ve now been going on 16 days of hoping it gets better and instead, things are just getting worse.  I know 16 days isn’t that long, but still.

I don’t drink alcohol, so I will write out my frustrations, but gosh, I wish I could temporarily subdue the pain by just pouring myself a glass of insert name of your preferred alcoholic beverage here!

Half a Month Feels Like Half a Year

I think maybe I was too quick to write my Finding Peace blog.  Maybe on that particular day, I was feeling more peaceful, but here I am, 15 days since my breakup, still feeling lost.

I know that 15 days isn’t really that long in the grand scheme of things.  But it feels like months since I’ve heard his voice, felt his hugs, shared in his laughter, knew what was going on in his life.

I keep hoping that with time, my previously rose-colored glasses will turn clear and I will finally see the problems that had been present in our relationship.  Maybe that will happen eventually, but right now, I can’t think of anything that was a major issue.

I just want a reason for the breakup or a significant problem in our former relationship SO BADLY.

Why?  Why wasn’t I good enough?  Or was I too good?  Were you intimated by the fact that I have my life together?  Did I offend you?  Did I say something wrong?  Was I too sarcastic?  Have you been talking to someone else?  Was I too mopey lately since things haven’t been going right?  Do you just think that we’re too different?  What the heck can it be?

We were planning our future.  You had full confidence in us just a few weeks or months ago.  We had talked about engagements and families and life together.  How did that change so quickly without any major fight?

I just don’t understand.

I dream about you every single night.  I sometimes go to bed without thinking about you, only to dream about being back together all night and then waking up, feeling upset with my realization that those dreams were not reality.  Then I feel frustrated that it’s been 15 days and you haven’t called or texted to see if I’m okay.

I know that I told you that we couldn’t be friends.  But I hoped that maybe you’d contact me to ask how I’m doing.  I know that I threw away our pictures, deleted you from social media, and didn’t make any attempt to contact you.  Maybe you’re respecting my privacy.  But every time I hear my phone beep, I hope that the text is from you instead of a friend who is checking if I am doing okay.

I want you to change your mind.  I want a second chance.  I believed with all of myself in you and in us.  I admire you and all that you are.  I am not willing to give that all up so quickly.  But I also know that I need to respect your wishes.  I haven’t contacted you because I don’t want to be the lonely ex-girlfriend who blows up your phone trying to get you back.

I don’t want you if you don’t want me.  I want a man who wants me just as much as I want him.  But I can’t stop myself from hoping that you’re starting to realize that you just made a mistake.

I know that God has a plan for me.  And I want to follow this plan.  But I also so badly want you to be part of this plan.  I want to move on, but I’m so afraid that the moment I finally give up on us will be the same moment that you realize all that you lost.

They always say how if you love something, you should set it free and see if it comes back to you; if it doesn’t, it was never really yours.  So you’re now free.  The question that remains is whether or not you’ll return to me.

I’m definitely starting to do better.  I cry less.  I don’t think about you (most of the time) while I’m at work.  But I want to know about your life.  I want to know about what is new with you and your family.  I want to hear your voice.

It’s been half a month since our last hug goodbye.  But gosh, it feels like half a year.  I feel so completely out of touch with your life.  And I long to tell you all of the updates with my life.  But I can’t.  I need to give you your space.  So that’s what I’m doing.  It’s such a bitter pill to swallow.

I miss you.  So much.

 

 

Orange is the New Black: Novel vs. Netflix Series

I have always been interested in the prison system.  One of my favorite television shows is Prison Break.  One of my favorite movies is Shawshank Redemption.  I am always talking about my beliefs that capital punishment should not be legal.

So when I heard about Orange is the New Black, based on the real account of a woman’s experiences in prison, I was hooked, especially since the main character, Piper, was incarcerated in the prison that was located in the town of Danbury, where I used to live.

So I started watching the show, but I was quickly turned off by its vulgarity.  From the very first episode, there are loads of scenes featuring women performing sexual acts on other women.  I hoped that maybe the first episode was extra extreme to try to attract viewers, but in the end, I only made it through 3 or 4 episodes.  The vulgarity was excessive.

I’m not sure why, after such a bad experience with the television show, I decided to read the book, but I did.  And I am very happy that I did because the book is extremely different from the show.

Now, I obviously did not see every episode.  Maybe it gets better.  But I would rather not have to watch more of the vulgar content to figure that out.

So here are some differences between the book and the Netflix series (SPOILER ALERT):

1. Piper Kerman did not experience blatant sexual acts.

In the show, she sees women going to town in the showers, in the chapel, you name it.  She has women make very suggestive comments towards her.

In the book, she mentioned one incident where she was complimented for her “perky breasts.”  Other than that, she does not write about experiencing any sexual acts.

She even mentions how she saw a little bit of affection between inmates on Valentine’s Day, but only as much as the fact that they were exchanging cards.

2. Her confrontation with “Red” (“Pop” in the book) was not that dramatic.

Yes, Piper did unknowingly complain about the food to the woman who was working as the head chef in the kitchen.  Was the woman upset? Of course.  Did she withhold food from Piper for over a week?  No, she didn’t even withhold one meal.

In the show, Piper is served a bloody tampon once Red finally agrees to give her food.  That was complete fiction, made only for the television show.

3. Her ex lover, “Nora” (“Alex”) in the show was not in prison in Danbury with her.  

Piper did eventually encounter Nora, but only when she was transferred to a prison in Chicago when she had to testify at a trial.

They also did not have much animosity or tension between them.  Yes, Piper was initially irate when she saw Nora, but both of them, in addition to Nora’s sister, became friends.  They were only together for a week or two.

4. “Crazy eyes” was not nearly as creepy or as much of a stalker.

Yes, there was a person who had crazy eyes.  In the book, her name was “Delicious.”  She had made some comments to Piper, but once it was clear that Piper was not a lesbian and that she was engaged, Delicious did not give her much trouble at all.

5. Nobody peed in her cell.

In the show, “Crazy Eyes” pees in Piper’s cell since Piper will not have a relationship with her.  In the book, there is a situation where an inmate pees at the entrance of someone’s cell, but it has nothing to do with Piper.

6. The inmates were extremely welcoming.

In the TV series, it initially shows the inmates as unapproachable women.  The opposite is actually true.  A large portion of the book is dedicated to showing how welcoming the women really were and how much they looked out for each other.

In the book, when Piper first enters Danbury FCI, she is given shampoo, toothpaste, and other items from other inmates who are trying to help to ease her transition into prison.

She becomes friends with many of the women and throughout the novel, she shows what strong ties they made.

7. The screwdriver incident was much less dramatic.

In the show, Piper accidentally takes a screwdriver with her.  All of the corrections officers are looking for the screwdriver.  Piper doesn’t know what to do when she realizes that it is in her pocket because she knows that she will be sent to the SHU (solitary confinement) if she admits that she has it.  It’s a major fiasco.

In the book, she does accidentally have the screwdriver after doing her job, but she just throws it in the dumpster.  Nobody ever realizes that it is gone.  It’s not a big deal.

---

 

Now, I saw all of that in just the first 3-4 episodes.  I’m sure that there are many more differences if I had watched the entire series.

I understand that producers always change aspects of any novel that is turned into a television show or movie, but I feel that some of these changes are just too extreme and they take away from the whole point of the novel.

I hate how we live in such a sex-driven society that producers knew that they had to exaggerate the sexual aspects of life in prison in order to make a hit TV show.  Minus the excessive sex, I wouldn’t have had a problem with the show, but it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable to watch.

If I’m watching a television show (or a Netflix original), I’m not expecting to watch something that borders on pornography.  There are actually websites that have grouped together all of the sex scenes from the show into a pornographic montage.

This is simply unnecessary and completely in opposition with the nature of the novel.  Piper, at least from what she writes, NEVER encounters females engaging in oral sex or masturbation.  From the show, one would think that it was a daily part of life in prison.  I’m sure that those things happened, but she never saw it directly.

The novel is really intriguing and the show could have been perfectly solid without all of the sex.

Though the show has some pretty high ratings, so I know that the majority of the American public disagrees with me, which is really quite unfortunate.

Pope Francis Condemns Capital Punishment

I’ve always believed that capital punishment should not be in existence.  However, many of my Catholic friends argued that it was acceptable.

How can the Church agree with killing?  was a question that I was always asking myself

We don’t live in an “eye for an eye” society, yet the death penalty still exists in some countries.

According to an article on Yahoo, the Pope said that there was now a “growing opposition to the death penalty even for the legitimate defense of society” because modern means existed to “efficiently repress crime without definitively denying the person who committed it the possibility to rehabilitating themselves.”

He also said that we must improve prison conditions in order to respect the dignity of the prisoners.  He believes that the prison system should be aimed more toward rehabilitation.  He also believes that life imprisonment is similar to the death penalty since rehabilitation isn’t even a consideration if someone knows that he will never leave prison alive.

I have written about the death penalty a few times in the past since I have very strong feelings on the topic (Obama prison blog, lethal injection drug blog, Boston bomber’s death sentence blog, among a few others).

So I’m not going to say the same thing all over again, but it still amazes me that the United States maintains the death penalty when so many other places have gotten rid of it.

102 countries have abolished the death penalty for all crimes. 7 others have abolished it with the exception of war crimes. 50 still technically have it, but have not used it for over 10 years.  Only 37 countries still maintain and use capital punishment.

Out of those 37 countries with the death penalty, these are the countries that use it the most frequently (according to Amnesty International):

-China

-Iran

-Saudi Arabia

-Iraq

-United States

-Pakistan

-Yemen

-North Korea

-Vietnam

-Libya

That is a statistic that I am definitely not proud of.  That we are #5 in the world when it comes to executions.

The countries that have banned capital punishment are not facing crazy amounts of violence and killings now that that punishment no longer exists.  How long will it take us to do the same?

 

 

My First Yoga Experience

I’m a runner.  I’m an obstacle racer.  I like my workouts to be fast-paced, getting my heart pumping.  I never really liked the idea of yoga and all of its slow movements.  To me, it looked like glorified stretching.

But lately, my Lyme has not been conducive to running and I’m tired of not being able to work out.  I looked into local saunas, but they’re all outrageously expensive.  Then I remembered seeing a hot yoga studio that is not too far from my apartment.

I then logged onto Groupon and saw that the same studio was offering a deal to purchase 10 yoga sessions for only $45.  I signed up last week and attended my first session on Monday.

Now, the class said that it was for people of all levels.  I spoke with the instructor before starting the class.  She, too, has lyme.  She told me to do as much or as little as I needed to, and to go back into the child’s pose when it was too much for me.

So I borrowed a mat from the studio.  I had my towel and water bottle with me.  I didn’t realize that most people show up 20 minutes early, so the instructor had to squeeze me in between people who were already settled.  I had a middle-aged man on my left (which I hadn’t really expected, not gonna lie) and a high school aged female on my right.

During the class, I was trying to watch what people around me were doing without making it seem like I was staring at them.

The instructor kept saying things like chaturanga, flow, vinyasana, etc.  I had no idea what any of these things meant, so I had to watch everyone else and try to figure out what I was doing.  Luckily, I already knew what downward dog was, as well as the child’s pose.

Anyway, it was a 75-minute class. The heat felt good, but it really didn’t make me sweat too much.  I tried every pose because I’m just too competitive to ever give up and just take the child’s pose.  I know that’s not the point of yoga — it has nothing to do with competition, but I just wanted to try me best with each part of it.

There were a few awkward moments when we were a little too close to the people on either side of us, particularly since there was a man right next to me.  At one point, his butt was definitely not too far from my face.

But overall, I didn’t feel too out of place.   Other people would sometimes lose balance, most were not perfect.  Though there were a few super intense people who could just go into a random inversion like it was no big deal.

At the end of the class, I felt very peaceful, happy in my decision to attend.

Then I woke up on Tuesday morning and I was quite sore, which I didn’t expect.  On Wednesday, I was even more sore.  My hamstrings were burning all day.  I now feel bad about my previous preconceived notions about yoga.  It is definitely a workout.

So I decided to attend another class last night.  This time, my yoga mat had come in from Amazon, and I felt a little bit more confident since I had made it through my first class.

But this instructor was different and boy did she keep it moving.  This time, I sweat a lot more.  It’s good that this wasn’t my first class.  As a runner, though, I liked feeling a bit more active.

There were a few poses that I did have to cut short because certain parts of my body were just too sore.  I was trying to stay humble and not be upset if I couldn’t do everything.

This time, my hands and feet were pretty sweaty, so I kept sweating on my mat.  I saw that most of the other people had towels to cover their mat, so I’ll have to invest in one of those to avoid the slippage.

This morning I don’t feel too sore, but I’m curious how I will feel tomorrow.

I am really hoping that yoga helps to alleviate some of my Lyme-related joint pain so that  I can get back into running.  In an ideal world, I’d like to be training for a half marathon, full marathon, or obstacle race, while also doing yoga once or twice a week to improve my flexibility, posture, and strength.

So that was my first (but not last) yoga experience.  I am definitely humbled by yoga and I now realize that it is A LOT more than just stretching.

Finding Peace

I have now been single for 10 days.  Is it easier than last week?  Definitely.  That doesn’t mean that it’s actually easy, but I’m beginning to find peace with my situation.

I don’t like to admit this, but I am always closer to God when I’m experiencing a struggle, whether it’s a breakup, illness, or the death of someone I love.  When I am faced with situations where I have no control, it is always God who I turn to.  I wish that I could spend this much energy on being with Him when I’m experiencing joyful moments.  I try to be thankful for the good times, but it’s so much easier to forget about prayers and thanksgiving when I’m simply enjoying life.

I think that we all need these moments that throw us onto the ground in pain in order to fully rely on Him the way that we should.

The same thing happened when I broke up with the guy I was dating during college.  When we broke up,  I found myself in adoration way more often than I had when we were dating.  And it wasn’t because I was dating guys who weren’t religious.  Both of them were religious and did help lead me closer to God.  But both times, I’ve gotten even closer to God once becoming single and feeling so desperate.

I have been starting every morning by first reading a passage from my devotional, and then reading a passage from the Lent booklet that I got from church.  Before my breakup, I prayed, but I didn’t allow myself that extra time in the morning.

I am now finding that things are happening at perfect moments, and I know that it is God’s way of helping me to not feel so miserable or so depressed.

-Many of the passages in the God Calling book have been spot on, telling me to wait, and have peace, and remember that I must rely on God’s will instead of my own.  It’s difficult, but that’s what I’ve been doing.

-I had been planning to try yoga for a while now, but I just hadn’t gotten around to it.  Yet this past Sunday I found a Groupon for 10 sessions of hot yoga for only $45, so I signed up.

-I went to yoga on Monday and the instructor mentioned that she, too, has Lyme disease, and that her mother (a Lyme specialist) happened to also be there that night (even though her mom rarely goes to her yoga classes).  Coincidence?  I think not.

-Since it’s Lent and I gave up all music that isn’t Christian, all I can do while driving is listen to Christian radio or Christian cds and I think that is also helping my mindset.

-On Wednesday I went to a professional development dinner at work, so it was nice to find some things to keep myself busy.

-Tomorrow I will go to Stations of the Cross at my church.

-Saturday I’ll probably go to another hot yoga class in the morning and then go to church in the evening.

-Sunday I’ll meet a friend to go hiking.

It just seems like things are working out in a way that allows me to keep my mind focused on things other than my ex.  It’s been 10 days and I haven’t contacted him once.  At times, it has required every ounce of my energy to avoid picking up my phone and texting or calling him, but so far, I’ve been strong.  I still think about him quite a bit.  I still have dreams about him, but I am finally able to not feel like I am on the brink of tears all day long.

It’s getting easier not to contact him.  When I think about it, I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone if I have to beg or plead or explain myself.  I want someone who can’t imagine living life without me.  Do I still love my ex? Absolutely.  Am I ready to move on and date somebody new?  No.  Definitely not.

Sure, I still hope that we’re meant to be and that he just needs some time to himself for some reason, but I am finding more peace in understanding that that may not be the case.  He may not be the man for me.

If that ends up being the case, that’s not what my heart currently desires, but it just means that there is somebody better out there.  I really believe that things happen for a reason.  So maybe he needs the time apart to realize that we really were good for each other.  Or maybe we really aren’t good for each other and I just need to take the time to realize that.

Maybe I needed this relationship to give me the courage to move to New Jersey.  Maybe if I hadn’t been dating a guy from New Jersey, I would have ended up lacking the courage that was required to move to a new state and a new job.

Maybe I needed him to help me through the death of my beloved dog, Butterscotch.  I spent so much time down here in Jersey that summer because I couldn’t bear the thought of being at home in my empty apartment.

I don’t know any answers right now.  I have no idea where I’ll be 6 months from now.  I could be with my ex all over again, happier than ever, ready to get engaged.  I could be with my ex again, realizing that it was a mistake, and facing another breakup.  I could be single and happy, or single and miserable, or I could be with someone entirely new.  Pretty much anything can happen.

I knew all of this from the moment he ended the relationship, but it’s taken time to really process everything and come to peace.  I know that God wants what is best for me, so I am trying my hardest to be open to whatever that plan entails.

Today I was listening to a song called “Times” by Tenth Avenue North.  The words fit my current emotions perfectly.  Part of the song goes:

“I hear You say,
My love is over. It’s underneath.
It’s inside. It’s in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can’t feel.
The times that you question, ‘Is this for real? ‘
The times you’re broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it’s underneath.
It’s inside, it’s in between.
These times you’re healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you’re falling from grace.
The times you’re hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I’m there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I’m there through your heartache.
I’m there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My power alone.
I don’t care where you fall, where you have been.
I’ll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends. “

It’s a beautiful song that you can listen to below if you’re interested:

I can’t listen to this song without crying.  But in this case, the tears come more from the humility I feel when I hear it than from the sadness surrounding my breakup.

Here I am, crying over an ex-boyfriend, forgetting the pain that Jesus went through for me.  My pains are so insignificant compared to Him dying on a cross for me.  Yet despite all of that, He is here to help me to get through each of these storms.  He is here to help me to heal my broken heart.  He won’t ever leave me alone, no matter how lonely and isolated I may feel.

And that is what is allowing me to find peace in my current darkness.

 

Is Love Worth the Pain of Loss?

I signed up for this when I said that I would be your girlfriend.

I signed up for this pain that I now experience.  I knew that was a side effect of love, especially since, for the first year, our relationship was a long distance one.

But when I was feeling those butterflies, I never imagined that the pain could hurt this much.

Was it worth it?  Of course.  I wouldn’t take away those last 2 years that I knew you.  Sure, it would be easier, but we had great memories and experiences.

I just wish that this pain wasn’t the end result of us.

I put on a shirt today that I had already worn once before since it was last washed.  It still had the smell of you on it.  I must have worn it last on a day when we were together.  I could take it off any put it in my laundry bag, but instead, I keep bending down to smell you.  It makes it seem as though you are not as far away.

I keep having moments when I’m doing better and then suddenly, just hearing a song lyric causes the tears to come flooding down my face again.

I’m trying to forget about you.  But all I keep wondering is how you’re doing.  If you’re feeling as badly as I am.  If you think your decision was a mistake.  Or if you’re still confident, knowing that we were not meant to be.

All I want to do is call you, talk to you, hold you for just one more moment.

When we said our last goodbye I gave you a hug because I knew it was the last one.  You held my head in such a tender way while we both cried before you turned and walked out the door.

I want to believe that I’m okay with out you, but right now that is just not the case.  You make me want to be a better person.

But now you’re gone and I don’t know where to go next.

I know it’s only been about a week, but it feels like a month since I last heard your voice.

That pain in my stomach just won’t subside.

I keep praying for answers, for peace, for calm.  But you interrupt every thought and prayer.

I’m trying to spend time with family and friends to get my mind off of you.  But it doesn’t work.  My thoughts keep drifting away to you.

Every story I want to tell somehow involves you or your family or something we did together.

Are you experiencing a similar situation?  Or are you already moving on?

I want you to be happy.  But I also want you to want me.  I want us to be happy.  Preferably, together.

But I also don’t want someone who doesn’t want me fully.

So many mixed emotions.

I know that there are a million wounded souls.  I know people have experienced far worse, more traumatic breakups.  I know that a breakup while dating can’t possibly compare to the end of a marriage.

But right now all of that doesn’t help me to feel any better.  Because my pain is real and gosh, it hurts so badly.

I thought you were the one for me.  I really did.  And I know that, at least for some amount of time, you thought the same thing.  We had talked so much about our future.  I had let all of my walls and guards down for you.

I know that it was worth it.  But gosh, do I miss you, especially on this miserable Valentine’s Day.

 

I Want to Hate You

I want to hate you.  I want you to be the horrible ex-boyfriend.  I want to be able to realize that I am now better off without you in my life.  I wanted you to say that you cheated on me so that I would at least have a reason.

But you didn’t.  And I don’t hate you.  You’re not even close to horrible.  And I’m not so sure that I’m better off without you.

It seems that Valentine’s Day is not my luckiest time.  I’ve never liked Valentine’s Day, with or without a boyfriend.  As a single person, it obviously sucks, but even when in a relationship, there is still usually some letdown when one person’s actions don’t live up to the other person’s high expectations.

I broke it off with my last boyfriend the day before Valentine’s Day.  Now you broke my heart just 6 days before.  Is it karma?

I want to be sure that you were wrong for me.  That we’re too different.  That you were just a rebound relationship or a little fling.

But you weren’t.  We had our differences, but we also had our similarities.  Initially, I thought you could have been a rebound, but it turned into so much more than that.  Almost two years of happiness.  Sure, there were arguments here and there.  That’s normal.  But for the most part, I loved each moment I spent with you.

We were making plans for our future.  My heart had no question of “if”, but rather “when?”  When will we get engaged?  Where will we live?

I had such a strong degree of certainty, so unlike my last relationship, when each week was filled with new doubts.

And then it all came crashing down on one random Monday evening.

When you texted and asked if you could come over, I prepared myself for the worst.  Our date night is Wednesday, after all.  I asked if everything was okay and your response was, “nobody is dying.”

Uh oh, I thought.  Could this be what I’m thinking is about to happen?  Is he about to break up with me?  

No, it can’t be.  He uploaded new pictures of us together from our trip to Texas last night.  Why would he do that if he’s about to break up with me?   No.  We just talked on the phone for 30 minutes about our Mondays.   We talked about plans for the summer.  

But my gut was right.  In your mind, it was over.

And your confidence about it killed me.  Looking at those tear-filled eyes while you told me how certain you were that we were just not meant to be.

All I kept asking for was a reason.  What was it that was the problem?  I needed an answer, but you gave me none.

All I got was the, “You’re so amazing,  you’re beautiful on the inside and out.  You’re one of the nicest people I know.  You deserve someone better than me” typical nonsense.

Why nonsense, you may ask?  Because if I’m that perfect, then what is the problem?  Is it you?  I know you haven’t been happy with certain aspects of your life lately, but I didn’t think that I was part of the problem.

I was having my own struggles with my health and with my job, but you were the person I always wanted to turn to.  You would always listen.  I could always count on your hug to make me feel better.  But now that is all gone.

We were supposed to go to Baltimore this weekend.  We were supposed to relax at the inner harbor and wander around the aquarium.  I couldn’t wait for today.  But now that today is playing out to be much different.  Instead of going on a little trip with you, I’m now going home to spend time with family and friends, with the hopes of forgetting about you, if even for a moment.

“But you’re so much better off than me,” you told me.  “You have a beautiful apartment.  You have things together.”  Really?  I’m the one who now lives in a place where I don’t know anyone but you and your family.  You are surrounded by family and friends to support you.  Mine now live 2 hours away.

I want to hate you.  I wish I never wanted to see you again.  But I don’t.  I keep having the unrealistic idea that I’ll just happen to come across you any time I go anywhere.  That you’ll realize your mistake and come running back to me.  But that confidence you had in your decision suggests otherwise.

And then I saw your stepbrother a few days after you ended everything.  I could have walked the opposite way and ignored him, but instead, I decided to say hello, not realizing that he had no idea that it was over.  He asked where you were.  I had to tell him about the situation, as the tears began to stream down my cheeks.

He was dumbfounded.  He couldn’t believe the news.  He was so kind, so encouraging, and he gave me the hug that I needed so much.

But he also gave me a tiny glimmer of hope.  He was so amazed that we were over that he told me to make you wait for me if you changed your mind and came running back.  That’s what I want, after all, for you to come running back to me.

I keep replaying our conversation in my mind.  How your brother really couldn’t believe the news.  How much he had had faith in us.

I want to hate you, but I can’t.  Because I still want you in my life.  When you said it was over, it didn’t end the love I have for you.

Yes, I ripped up and threw away every picture of us right in front of you.  I handed you the things that I had here just for you.  That iced tea that I’d never drink.  Those peanut butter m&ms that I had bought just for you.  I wanted you to feel some of the pain that I was experiencing.  I wanted you to see my heartbreak.

But really, I don’t hate you at all.  But I also don’t want someone who doesn’t want to be with me.

I’m trying to move forward.  I’m trying to tell myself that if you weren’t the one, that I will find someone better.  But right now I can’t imagine anyone better.  I want you and all of your idiosyncrasies, all of your quirks and imperfections.

I can’t hate you because I still love you.