Category Archives: love

Father Larry Richards – Prayer

Last year, I was fortunate enough to attend the second two days out of Father Larry Richards’ four-day mission at St. Gregory the Great parish in Hamilton Square, NJ.

This year, he returned to New Jersey for the mission at the Co-Cathedral of St. Robert Bellarmine in Freehold, NJ.  I was still unable to attend Tuesday’s talk since I teach CCD, but this time I was able to go on Monday.

Here are the blogs that I wrote last year based on the last two days of the mission: Day 3: Confession and Day 4: Adoration and Healing.

These are the things that resonated with me from Monday’s talk:

“Be a saint.  Or go to hell.”

Those words sound really tough, but those are really the only two options that we have.  I remember how I never used to want to be a saint.  I had heard stories of many of the saints of the Church; I knew how much they suffered.  It isn’t until more recently that I realized that anyone who has made it to heaven is considered a saint.

I guess I had thought that a saint was a special person in Heaven since the canonized saints have to go through the very specific canonization process and need to have verified miracles.  I thought that I would be happy just getting to heaven, but without being a saint.  If our deceased loved ones are in heaven, they are saints just as much as St. Therese or St. Teresa of Calcutta; they are simply not recognized specifically as a saint by the church.

Anyway, I now realize that I obviously want to be a saint because it is that or hell.  Plain and simple.  Do we love God above all else and want to be with Him forever?  Or do we want to deny Him and be separated from Him for all of eternity?

Father Larry had us do an activity during which we wrote down 5 things on 5 pieces of paper that were stapled together.  He told us to write down what we love the most.

Then, we had to rip off one of the pieces of paper.  The first paper I removed was running.  I love running, but I could give it up if I had to.

Time to rip off another.  The beach.  I love it, but sure, I could live without it.

And he continued until we were down to two pieces of paper.  I’m assuming that most people had their spouses, children, and maybe God on those 2 pieces.  What a difficult task.

Once we made our decision, he explained that if the last paper in our hand said anything other than God, we had just chosen hell.  My friend and I looked down at our papers and they both said God.  We smiled and felt proud of ourselves for choosing God.

Not so fast, said Father Larry.  He knew that some of us would be sitting there feeling smug, maybe even judging those around us who hadn’t chosen God as their last piece of paper.  He asked us if our choice was really true.

Do we always put God first?  Do we give our time to Him?  If not, then although we may acknowledge that God should be first, He isn’t actually first in our lives.  Ouch.  Quick jab to my ego right there.


24,000 children will die today from hunger.  Father Larry said that if we are unable to preach the Gospel to the mother who is holding her dying child in her arms, then we don’t truly know the gospel.  After all, the death of a child should be a moment for rejoicing since that child will likely join God in heaven.  Of course, it’s a sad moment for the family members, but if we really have faith, then we should be overjoyed that that little one is already experiencing the fullness of God’s love.


There is a heresy called pelagianism which asserts that we can earn our way to heaven, but that is simply not the case.  We are save by grace.  If we reject God and go to hell, it’s not because we didn’t earn heaven; rather, it’s because we refused to accept God’s grace and mercy.


We’re offended by everything, thinking that makes us holy.  I can definitely relate to that.  I hate being around people who curse, drink too much, do drugs, or act promiscuously.  Now, I don’t think Father Larry was saying that we should place us in those types of situations since some of them could lead to the near occasion for sin, but we also must not condemn those around us.

He said how Jesus was never shocked or offended.  He spoke to adulterers, tax collectors, you name it.  He didn’t judge them or condemn them.  Rather, he loved them.  He never said that any sin was acceptable and he told the adulteress to sin no more.  But he did not judge anyone.

Father Larry said how a man once told him that he thought it would be a good idea to refuse to attend the wedding for a couple who was living unchastely.  Father Larry asked what good that would do.

The better option, he said, would be to fast every Friday for their conversion rather than judging them.  Wow.  I usually fast during two days of the year: Ash Wednesday and Good Friday.  I have been hearing a bit more about fasting recently, and how we are actually supposed to fast every Friday (except the Friday after Easter).  That doesn’t always need to be a fast from food, but we are supposed to give up something in order to remember that it is a penitential day.

I can’t imagine that man’s reaction.  Yes, you should attend the wedding.  And, by the way, you should fast once a week for the couple.

Imagine how significantly the world could change if we all fasted on Fridays for a particular cause (and if we had the true faith that it would work).  If you have someone who you know is living in sin, you should sacrifice yourself for their conversion rather than condemning them.

Father Larry said that he fasts 23 hours a day.  He only eats dinner.  I cannot even imagine doing that, though I have heard of saints who fasted in very extreme ways.

He said how Father John Vianney was very harsh and how he would give people very challenging penances.  However, we would them make sure that he would do the penance himself for them, offering himself as a sacrifice for their holiness.


He said that our prayer should always focus more on listening than talking.  This is definitely a struggle for me.  Even at Eucharistic Adoration, it’s tough to just listen.  When I was younger, I would struggle to get through an hour of adoration.  I find it much easier now that I go every Monday night.  It’s easy to pray with rote prayers, the Rosary, and petitions/intercessions.  I also usually have the Bible to read, or a book based on something faith-related.  But sitting there and doing nothing but listening is incredibly difficult.  I find that my mind wanders almost immediately, and I eventually notice that I’m daydreaming and try to get back on the listening train.  I guess I’ll have to continue practicing.


Father Larry also spoke about how our love for God should be what leads us to stop sinning, not our fear of hell.  It’s a selfish act if the only reason we stop sinning is to avoid hell.  Rather, we should choose to give up our sinful ways because of our complete love for God and our desire to strengthen our relationship with Him.

He said how he is a virgin because he chose to give that to God.  He’s not a virgin because of his fears of eternal damnation.

If we consider a married couple, we could ask the husband why he chooses not to commit adultery (aside from his love for God).  Hopefully the man’s response is that he makes that choice out of love for his wife.  He’s not living that way to avoid punishment.  If asked, “Why haven’t you cheated on your wife?”  “Because I don’t want her to be angry with me” isn’t the most romantic response.  Similarly, we choose to avoid sin out of our love for God and to avoid hurting Him through our selfish acts.

Good parents don’t want kids who fear them and only behave to avoid being beaten.  That’s not love, but fear.  Perfect love casts out fear; it doesn’t exacerbate it.


Anyway, I could go on for quite a while, as he spoke about many more topics than just these, but these were the ones that stuck out to me the most.

I’m thankful that I had another opportunity to hear Father Larry speak and I hope that if he is in the area again in the future, I will get to see him on day 2 since that is the one that I’ve missed.

Advertisements

Wedding Blues

I feel like such a complainer, but I can’t even describe the hatred I feel towards wedding planning.  I know, I sound like a stupid, stuck up, spoiled girl.  Oh, life sucks, my boyfriend proposed and I’m getting married.  Life is so hard.  But it does suck.  I hate it.

I have seven weddings to attend in 2018 including my own.  Yes, SEVEN.  I’m a teacher and my fiance has tons of student loans.  It’s not like we can easily afford all of this.  Not to mention, I’m a bridesmaid in two of the weddings and he is the best man in one and a groomsman in another.  So we’re involved in a significant way in 5 out of 7 of the weddings.  Oh, and one will require a flight to Michigan (plus hotel), one will require a flight to Texas (plus hotel), and one will require a six-hour drive to Pittsburgh (plus hotel).

Right now we’re expecting to pay over $5,000 just on the other weddings between the flights, hotels, dresses, tuxedos, presents, showers, and bachelor/bachelorette parties.  For ours, we’re trying to keep a tight budget, but getting married in New Jersey by the shore is not cheap.

I’m not having an engagement party or bachelorette party.  We’re having brunch instead of dinner, we removed the cake to save some money, I’m probably going to use old shoes and do my own makeup, possibly even my own hair.  We’re hoping to rent SUVs instead of hiring drivers or limos or fancy cars.  We got free engagement photos and super cheap save the dates.  We’re using a videographer who is a friend and a DJ we know through family.  I’m looking for cheap invitations that still look nice.  My mom is hemming the dresses I need for the other weddings we’re attending.  I feel like we’re trying to cut prices wherever possible.

I am also doing everything I can to save money in my day to day life.

Ibotta app?  Got it.  I’m sending in every receipt when I go grocery shopping or to the drugstore because every 50 cent reward adds up.  So far I’ve earned $22.  Dosh app? Got it, but since we’re not going out to dinner since it’s cheaper to eat at home, I haven’t really made money there.  QuickThoughts survey app?  Yep, that too.  I’ve made $30 since January.

IPSOS I-Say surveys?  Yep, I do those.  I’ve made $25 since January.  Not bad.  MyPoints website?  Yep, I do that also.  $10 made since January.  Ebates installed to my computer?  Yes, but I don’t really buy much online, so it’s taking time to earn much.

But all of that work still only comes to a grand total of $87.  That’s enough for my left shoe.  (Okay, that might be a bit hyperbolic, but that’s how it feels.  I’m actually most likely re-using shoes I already own because who the heck is going to see them anyway?)

I’m thankful that I can grade AP exams in June and teach summer school this summer to earn extra money, but still, it’s all overwhelming.

And then there’s everything I’ve given up.  My sessions hot yoga ran out, so I’m not buying any new ones.  I’m not signing up for any Spartan races or half marathons this year.  My fiance and I aren’t going out to dinner, out to aquariums or museums, or really doing anything that costs money.  I bought a Groupon the other day so that we could at least get a cheap dinner at a pizza place because there is nothing to do anymore on the weekend aside from reading and building puzzles and discussing more wedding plans.

I used to only buy organic foods, but now I’m buying regular eggs, some regular produce, and even some regular meat.  I hate that because I know how unhealthy that is, with all of the antibiotics present, but I can get 3 pounds of turkey for $7.  Wild salmon for $17.99/lb is a thing of the past.

I even have frickin frozen pizza in my freezer.  I cannot even remember a time when I bought non-organic frozen pizza.  I honestly don’t think I ever have before.  But guess what?  Freschetta frozen pizza was not only on sale at the supermarket — it also came with a $1 rebate on Ibotta.  So one pizza cost me $3.  That is 2 to 2 1/2 meals for me.  I just can’t beat the price.

Yet at the same time, I’d like to be in my best shape for the wedding, so I’ve been working out any time I have a free moment.  Unfortunately, that time is limited since I’m staying late at work any time I can to help students with assignments so that I can earn a few more dollars.  So my workouts are inconsistent, and I’m occasionally eating garbage like frozen pizza, yet working toward abs.  Yes, I know, it doesn’t really work like that.

I don’t want to go to any doctors.  I should go to the eye doctor because my contacts have been bothering me, but instead, I’m just using eye drops to remove my red eyes.  My students probably think I’m high or something.

I am looking into a naturopath to go to for my Lyme, but again, it’s unlikely to happen unless my insurance covers it because I know how expensive that will be if I’m paying out of pocket.  I should find an OB-GYN since I haven’t gone to one of those since living in CT, but that’s another expense.  I’m praying for no cavities because my dental insurance sucks, so if I get a cavity, that’s a chunk of our wedding budget immediately gone.

And I’m not even going to get started on the whole living situation.  I’d like to buy a house in the near future, but every $1000 spent on the wedding is $1000 less in our savings to purchases a house one day.

I just feel like there is nothing to look forward to other than my honeymoon.  I have no spring break plans, obviously.  I can’t afford to plan a fun weekend for my fiance’s birthday like I did last year.  On my 30th birthday, we’ll be driving 6 hours to a wedding.  I’m not excited for anyone else’s birthday because again, that’s just more money being spent.

I should be excited for our wedding, but all I can think about is how excited I am for the wedding to be over.  I don’t really enjoy weddings anyway, so I have a lot of weekends of wedding showers and weddings coming up in 2018, which isn’t my favorite thing in the world.

And I usually go on a mission trip every summer, but I’ve cut that from my expenses as well.  So now I feel even worse because here I am spending all of this money on one day of my life when that same amount of money could have saved so many children from poverty across the world.  I could travel on at least five overseas mission trips for the amount we’re spending on our wedding and others.  That just hurts my heart.

Is this all really worth it?  I wish I could go back, un-invite everyone, and have a small Catholic ceremony with my closest family members and call it a day.

I’m obviously just in a terrible mood today, but I feel like this is where wedding planning has brought me.  The usual happy, optimistic, joyful Stephanie has turned into this negative Nancy.  I don’t like it, but that’s where I am right now.

I don’t even look forward to weekends anymore because weekends are just extra time to grade papers, begrudgingly work on wedding plans, and take as many surveys as I can to save up a few more bucks.

Welcome to the engaged life.

 

 

 

Wedding Planning Woes

I hate wedding planning and I hate the whole wedding industry in this country.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am absolutely ecstatic about being engaged and planning a future together with my fiance.  But the wedding planning?  Ugh.  Gag me.  I cannot stand it.

Both AJ and I are deeply invested in our Catholic faith.  We’re excited to celebrate the sacrament of matrimony.  But because we live in the year 2018, it is impossible to avoid the secular world of weddings, along with all of its astronomical costs and extravagance.

First stop: engagement ring

I knew that I didn’t want a blood diamond (if you don’t know what that is, read this: “Blood Diamonds”). Finding out about the company, Do Amore was an incredible blessing.

I love my sapphire, ethical engagement ring that is made out of recycled white gold helped to pay for the drilling of a well in Bihar, India.  I am also excited that we ordered our wedding bands on Do Amore as well, so that we are contributing even further to the drilling of a well in India.

I don’t understand why more people won’t stand up against blood diamonds and support companies like Do Amore.  But don’t get me started, I could go on forever.

22405504_10100156404527320_137547945467353861_n

Next stop: proposal

Everything in our society seems to be a competition of who can top everyone else.  There are now ridiculous proposals involving flash mobs, helicopter rides, and camera crews.  These poor men are spending thousands of dollars (the average cost of an engagement ring in 2017 was $7,000!!!…don’t worry, mine was not nearly that pricey) on engagement rings, and then thousands more on the proposal.

I guess now that promposals have become so ridiculous, the adult men feel the need to top the seventeen-year-old boys gifting Michael Kors watches to their girlfriends when doing their promposals.

Thankfully, my fiance knew that I wouldn’t have wanted a big to-do for my proposal.  He proposed with printed pictures of us that were all over the floor of my apartment, each with a note on the back.  It was simple and sweet and not at all flashy.

22405402_10100156404672030_7756190764121758993_n

Engagement party?

We skipped that part, but today it is typical to have someone throw the newly engaged couple an engagement party.  I know the upcoming marriage is exciting, but we already have showers, bachelor/bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinners, the wedding, and the honeymoon.  An extra party to celebrate the engagement seems to be a bit much.

Maybe a nice dinner out with parents or with the couple’s closest friends?  Fine.  But extravagant engagement parties?  Come on, there’s more about the marriage than a gazillion parties.

For us, it went something like this: get engaged, call parents, walk on the beach, call more people, get sandwiches for dinner, go to adoration, call more people, the end.

I love the fact that we got engaged on a night when my church has Eucharistic adoration because we were able to start out engagement in prayer, thanking God for His blessings while praying for our future.

Choosing a venue.

We picked the venue based mainly on the cost.  Gosh, is the pricing insane.  I know that it doesn’t help that we live by the beach in New Jersey, but still.

Fortunately, we’re having a brunch wedding.  I’ve always wanted a brunch wedding because A) people don’t usually get as drunk at noon as they would at night and B) breakfast is my favorite.  Option A was the main factor for me since I despise drunkenness so much.  I love a good steak or seafood dinner like anyone else, but I’d rather have a nice little brunch, have my wedding over by 5pm, and hopefully not have to witness the sloppy drunkenness that will probably take place once people go to after parties that evening.

But back to the venue choices…

I thought that brunch wedding options would be cheaper.  Relative to the dinner options, they were, but gosh, I cannot believe how much people are spending on their weddings.  All of the venues I researched, with the exception of three, offered brunch prices between $97 and $150 per head.  At $97, I could invite just 150 people and already spend almost $15,000.  That is insane.

I guess that’s why the average cost of a wedding in New Jersey is $47,000.  That is more than I spent on two years of tuition at the college I attended.  My wedding day is important, but how can I justify spending that kind of money on ONE day?

In the end, I spent hours of research on venues before finally making appointments with three locations.  I went to the first one on my own.  It was lovely, but I just felt blah about it.  The next I went to with AJ and both of us loved it.  The last was the most beautiful location since it was right on the water.  If I was choosing based on aesthetics alone, that would have won hands down, but their brunch options were limited.

We went with the place we both loved.  The location isn’t phenomenal, but that doesn’t really matter since a wedding reception is mainly indoors.  There is an outdoor area if the weather is nice, so that can be used for the cocktail half hour.  And the biggest benefit is that it’s a hotel, so many of our guests can stay right there, which makes everything easier, especially since we have lots of out-of-state guests.

Photographers/videographers

The photographer is one of the most important parts of the wedding to me because I love looking back at old photographs.  I still print photos and I have a whole bunch of photo albums in my home.  I love looking through them when I have some spare time.

I understand that photography is an art, but the prices are simply unreal.  A friend who was engaged before me warned me that if I wanted photography and videography, that it was going to cost about $6,000.

I initially hoped to find a photographer for $1000 to $1500, before realizing that was completely impossible.  Fortunately, I found one who offered a discount if we didn’t get engagement photos, so that helped with the cost a bit.  I just had no idea how expensive everything is.

Engagement photos? Save the dates?

AJ and I went back and forth on this one.  Eventually, we decided to skip the engagement photos and I figured that I would just make a save the date with pictures we already had.  In the end, AJ’s cousin offered to take engagement photos for us at no charge, so we were really blessed and thankful for that opportunity.

Now, some girls go buy new outfits and get their hair and makeup done before the engagement photos.  I just got dressed in clothes that I’ve had forever.  Actually, the sweater that I wore has a hole in it (but it’s behind my neck, so you can’t see it).  None of my clothes had been purchased within even the last two years.  I wore slightly more than what I use for my typical makeup routine (no foundation, contouring, highlighter, [insert other makeup guru term here]). Yet the pictures came out beautifully.  Go figure.

Along those same lines, we also went back and forth between whether or not to send save the dates.  I would have preferred to have just sent invitations out super early, but everything online suggested against doing that.  We mainly chose to make save the dates so that people traveling long distances would have advance warning for the dates.

Black Friday had some amazing prices for Save the Dates, so it didn’t really end up being a significant amount of money.  If they had been expensive, I think we would have just skipped save the sates and verbally told our closest friends and family members about the date.

Wedding dress squad?

I’m an introvert, so I know this is different for extroverts, but I did not care to have a big group of people providing me with their input on my wedding dress.  I felt like that would make everything more stressful and that it possibly even cause me to choose something different from my own preferences if I let the opinions of others begin to dictate my own thoughts.

My mom came down from Connecticut for the weekend and I made appointments at David’s Bridal as well as a local bridal shop.

The first store, I liked nothing.  The second store, I had two favorites that I couldn’t decide between.  We were able to squeeze in an appointment at the third store, where I liked nothing, and then we went back to store #2 (just in a different location).

By that point, I wanted to go home to decide between my 2 favorite dresses.

I went back to store #2 on a random Tuesday afternoon after work.  I tried on the two dresses that I loved and decided that I wanted to go with the one that just seemed more “Stephanie.”  Both dresses had their positive qualities, but I felt much more like myself in the dress I chose.

I am happy that I made my decision by myself because although I did have some input from others (I texted the pictures to a few of my friends), it was ultimately my own choice and I didn’t pick my dress because of what anyone else preferred.

I still have to find a veil.  Did you know they can cost $400!?!?  I found that out last week.  So I will definitely be shopping around trying to find one under $100…preferably under $50 if that’s possible.

Bridesmaid dresses

My sister in Brazil is my matron of honor and my bridesmaids are from Texas, Virginia, and New Jersey.  I wanted something that would not be too much of a hassle for them.

I figured that David’s Bridal would be the easiest choice since they’re located all over the country.  I picked the color that was closest to what I wanted.  Is it the exact shade I would have preferred?  No.  But it’s pretty close and that was good enough for me.

I decided the color and length of the dress and let the girls all choose the style they prefer.  I think it often looks better when brides do this because everyone has a different body shape.  I love how V-necks and halter tops look on me, while other girls hate those styles and prefer other shapes.  I have a square-shaped body with virtually no waist or hips, so I prefer styles that give me the allusion of a waist.  Other girls have to try their hardest to hide their wide hips.

I know that most girls hate their bridesmaid dresses, so hopefully since the girls at least got to pick the style of the dress, it will be flattering to each of their body types.

Tuxedos

AJ went to the mall with his dad.  They went to two stores and picked out the tuxes for AJ and his groomsmen.  I met up with them since I happened to be in the mall that day because a friend of mine was visiting.  AJ initially picked a gray tux and I just mentioned how I thought grooms usually wore black.

He switched to black and used gray for the groomsmen and just picked colors that would match my bridesmaid dresses.  I actually don’t really know exactly how the tuxes look, but I just don’t care. That’s AJ’s job.  He chose what would go well with the help of the person working at the bridal store and I’m sure it will all look great.

I’m not the type of bride who wants to control every tiny little detail of my wedding.

Transportation

This part has not yet been figured out yet.  I don’t want anything fancy.  I’d prefer no limos, sports cars, trolleys, or party buses.  But we do need to have transportation for our wedding party, so I’m hoping to maybe use a car rental place and order two or three SUVs.

That’s the plan right now.  It seems way more affordable than other options, but we’re still figuring it all out.

Glam squad?

This has not yet been finalized.  I plan to wear makeup, but I’m not sure how much.  I’ve never worn foundation, contouring powder, false eyelashes, etc, and I think I plan to keep it that way.  I like the way I look more naturally.

People keep warning me that my pictures may look bad without full face makeup and that since it’s August, I may look shiny, but I have recently realized that if that were true, I would hate how I look in other pictures I have.

I like the way I do my makeup.  Will I do a little bit extra for my wedding?  Yes, but  I don’t want to look different from me.  I picked my dress because it felt more “Stephanie” and I think that has to be my ultimate goal with my hair and makeup as well.  I want to look like myself.  I’ll try to find something to remove the shine since it might be a hot day, but I don’t want my face to look fake.

I also have no idea how to do my hair because I have curly hair and sometimes it air dries perfectly while other times it gets frizzy.  I don’t want ti to look really fake, though, so I’m still figuring out what to do there.

Flowers

I’m not a flower person.  I told AJ right from the start that he shouldn’t ever buy me flowers.  I just don’t really appreciate them very much.  They look pretty for a few days and then they die.  I like potted plants or flowers growing outside, but bouquets aren’t my thing.

I looked into alternatives to flowers.  They make bouquets out of lollipops now.  Others are made out of feathers.  But I felt like they were just a little too silly.  I need the bouquet when I’m walking down the aisle, and it’s the Mass that is my main priority, so I feel that having a candy bouquet would just be silly and kind of make a mockery out of something that is so important.

So I do plan to have a bouquet, but hopefully just a small, simple one.  I love bright colors, so I’d love either a bright blue/pink, or hot pink bouquet for me and a tiny bouquet or single flower for my bridesmaids.  I’m leaning toward fake flowers since they cost a bit less.

Honeymoon

This was very high on my list of important wedding plans.  I could not wait to plan my honeymoon.  I could write an entire post on this, but here’s the short version.  We’re going to Bali!

Extravagant?  People would assume so, but it’s actually surprisingly affordable.  I was able to purchase flights that were cheaper than any international flight I’ve taken to Brazil, despite the fact that it’s significantly farther away.

The travel time will be long (11-hour flight followed by a short layover and another 11-hour flight), but I know that it will be worth it.  AJ and I love mission trips, so I don’t think we will take fancy vacations once we’re married.  We would probably prefer to volunteer.  I know that this trip is truly a once in a lifetime experience.

In Bali, AJ and I can afford what in most other countries would be luxury accommodations.  We will visit Ubud and Sanur.  In Ubud, we can afford a private villa with a private swimming pool and in Sanur, we can afford a private bungalow that is pretty close to the beach!  Yet it’s significantly cheaper than one night in a regular hotel in New Jersey on the same date.

Once there, we can have a nice meal for two people for under $10!  So yes, Bali is very far away and traveling there will cut some time off of our trip (it’s technically a 10-day honeymoon, but only 8 days in Bali), and we may experience jet lag, but we will bet to experience all of the beauty of Bali without spending a huge amount of money.  I can’t wait!

Wedding gifts

Apparently it’s now a thing for the bride and groom to give each other gifts.  I didn’t know this, but have stumbled across the topic during my wedding planning.

I love gifts, but if we truly understand the purpose of a wedding, there should be no need for extra, tangible gifts.  AJ is giving me the gift of himself and I am doing the same to him.  We are becoming one union under God.  What greater gift can there be than that?

I feel like giving him a tangible gift would almost undermine the beauty and significance of matrimony.  Here is a nice watch/thermos/[insert man gift here] for you because giving myself to you isn’t enough.  Spending thousands of dollars on this wedding isn’t enough.  Traveling to Bali for our honeymoon isn’t enough.  I think this watch will be what really proves my love.

I would like to write a letter to AJ for him to read on the morning of our wedding, but that’s it.

Maybe if couples would stop co-habitating and sleeping together before marriage, they wouldn’t feel the need for a separate wedding gift.  For those couples, the wedding changes very little.   I guess they need the diamond necklace to make their day complete.  I’m truly sorry for those couples because they have no idea how life-changing marriage could be if they had put things in the proper order.


I know that there are many other aspects of wedding planning that I didn’t mention.  DJs, favors, cake, room blocks, invitations, and on and on.

Honestly?  Just writing about all of this is beginning to get to me.  Maybe cathartic at the start, but now it’s getting old.  You get the idea.  I want the wedding because of the actual marriage.  I don’t care about the extra extravagances.  I don’t want to feel like a queen.  I want to feel like myself.

I want to give myself to AJ fully through the sacrament of marriage, during which time we will become one flesh.  I want God’s blessing for our marriage and I want to enjoy spending time with my closest family members and friends.

I am excited to leave for our honeymoon the following day and after the honeymoon, move in together as a couple for the first time.  All of that is what is important; not the hair extensions, fake tans, and false eyelashes.

 

 

2017: My Year in Review

As I’ve done for the past three years (201420152016), here is my 2017 year in review.  Last year, I was incredibly thankful for having met my new friends from Bible study and starting a new relationship.  Now, I have even more to be grateful for this year.  So here is what happened since last year:

January:

-AJ and I rang in the new year at Devin and Elise’s wedding in Connecticut

15781729_967076480270_8847554681533462962_n

-Then we went hiking at Lover’s Leap in New Milford, CT and Kent Falls in Kent, CT the next day

-Frost Valley in Claryville, NY

16112756_971363548950_1598572921653759387_o

16113279_971363833380_9182542505521526832_o

-I met up with Lizzy in Philadelphia since she was there for clinicals for vet school (before graduating in May!!!)

15894469_969136516940_9156690918465025222_n

-Camden Aquarium with AJ

16114178_973292178960_2115042103639555155_n

-Hiking with AJ and Bolt in Freehold

16265557_976363608790_3605847849352852778_n

February:

-Hiking at Lover’s Leap in New Milford, CT again with AJ

16602969_978543011250_8681088485242585735_n

-Grandma’s birthday party

16463440_978542247780_8591765387604344694_o

-Valentine’s Day dinner at Rooney’s in Long Branch

16602836_980112780420_2498868314458947894_n

-Going to Absecon Lighthouse, the Atlantic City Boardwalk, and Lucy the Elephant in Margate with AJ, Sway, and Denielle

March:

-My mom’s birthday

April:

-Escape room in Freehold with AJ, Daniel, and Brady

17799240_996527280630_974575779876591577_n.jpg

-AJ’s 25th birthday party

17760089_996527335520_8168390629464739672_n

-United States Marine Corps Educator Workshop in Parris Island, South Carolina

18010446_999511440350_4484112427178882134_n

1

-Sway’s Confirmation at the Easter Vigil

18033191_999831279390_8406771257367082508_n.jpg

-Easter in Connecticut

-Hiking at Bushkill Falls for AJ’s birthday

-Finishing the Spartan Beast with AJ in Vernon, NJ

18157567_10100100507949510_7054268024918287714_n

May:

-Bible study at the Freehold Mall

18402786_10100104501172060_5899615558052287970_n

-Battleship USS New Jersey in Camden

18423154_10100104498577260_8426222967727443287_o

-Father Larry’s talk with Bible study

18423884_10100104498622170_1721333583155519500_n

-Abby & Lauren’s Irish step dancing recital

18558923_10100107213281970_9089614927105939583_o

-My cousin Lauren’s first communion

18595466_10100108079236590_3107809136723521793_o

June:

-Scoring AP exams in Tampa, Florida

19275191_10100118149854990_5895846831626638953_n

19260797_10100118149600500_7915429223891892414_n

July:

-Acro yoga in my back yard

19731983_10100123416345900_8276314601218528727_n

-4th of July in Connecticut for my grandpa’s birthday

19621216_10100124128917900_4144809875702003591_o

-Vacation in LBI with my mom

19957072_10100127824222480_6737563610985869655_o

19983403_10100127823319290_734703011464716620_o
Barnegat Lighthouse

-Churrascaria for my early 29th birthday dinner

20024141_10100128957486410_2644781595149483740_o

-Acro yoga attempt #2 in my back yard

20729222_10100137701982370_3741347898034750596_n

-Volunteering in Uganda with Go Be Love International.  Sole Hope in Jinja

20689959_10100135528537970_6696807732065551184_o

-Free day at the Nile River

20617194_10100135536571870_2032728054950152966_o

August:

-Volunteering with Go Be Love International at Amani Baby Cottage in Jinja

September:

-Phil and Marissa’s wedding in Pennsylvania

21761770_10100149900057330_2810952697433382202_n

-Chris and Grace’s wedding in Pennsylvania

21686278_10100151262082820_1576684324112275493_n

-Visiting Franciscan University for the first time since I graduated 7 years ago

October:

-Jersey Shore Half Marathon in Sandy Hook

-Getting engaged on October 9th

-Connecticut for a family party

23132053_10100162252587760_911564668929336534_n

-Pro-Life dinner at Doolan’s in Spring Lake

22885889_10100162252592750_1498815206726354905_n

-Lizzy visited & we went Halloween bowling

November:

-AJ’s cousin, Jared, took engagement photos for us

23783840_10100169023114570_6584570227422708690_o

23800154_10100169021058690_9039454555740145733_o

23845824_10100169021687430_5750873984183993469_o

-Celebrated Thanksgiving with AJ’s family in Somerset, NJ

-Hiking at Hartshorne Park

24177178_10100170986734460_9079740960481505606_n

 

December:

-Christmas Eve in Connecticut at Grandma & Grandpa’s house

-Christmas Day in Connecticut: morning at Grandma & Grandpa’s house, shoveling snow, and then Christmas Day at Aunt Suzi & Uncle Bob’s house

-Young Adults in Faith Christmas celebration at St. Robert’s in Freehold

2017 was a great year.  Looking back at January, when AJ and I had only been together for a month, I never expected that by New Year’s Eve, we would be planning a wedding, figuring out where we want to live, and having intense conversations about the future.  So much can change in one year and I am thrilled to see what 2018 entails.

I thank God for all of His abundant blessings and pray for an amazing 2018.

 

 

God’s Perfect Love Story

It’s amazing how much life can change over the course of one year and how God’s plans are far superior to our own plans.

Back in October of 2016, I was finally feeling joy again after a rough start to that year.  I was thankful for my apartment right by the beach, for my career as a high school English teacher, and for my Bible study, which I had found just a few months back.

Everything was going well.  While out for a run with my friend, Gabriella, I had commented to her about how I was really content with my life.  She immediately replied, “You know what that means, don’t you?”  She explained how I would probably find a new relationship since I wasn’t actively seeking one.  I laughed and shrugged it off.

But as the weeks passed, I found myself drawn to AJ every time we would meet at our weekly Thursday night Bible study.

The first time I met AJ at Bible study, I actually had him pegged as a dumb jock.  He speaks somewhat slowly, so I just pictured the stereotypical attractive football player who has little intelligence.  I didn’t even know his name.  His friend, Sway, introduced him as “Gaines,” so it actually took me a few weeks of Bible study before I learned that his name was AJ…and months before I knew that his actual name was Alan.  

How wrong I turned out to be with my dumb jock assumptions.  Once he opened his mouth about the Scriptures, I knew that he had a phenomenal knowledge of the Bible.

As weeks passed, I noticed how similar we were, primarily how we both had to work at finding a balance between our careers, our workouts, and our faith journeys.  I was impressed when AJ told me about the commitment that he made to God, promising that he would not work out for more time in any given day than he had spent in prayer.  That blew me away.  

After previous failed relationships, I had started to doubt that I would ever find a guy who was quite as interested in his faith as I was.  And yet here I was, feeling completely humbled by AJ.  I knew that in all of my marathon training, there were many days when I had run for two or three hours, but I definitely had not also spent two or three hours in prayer with God.  I actually felt intimidated by AJ and his faith, even unworthy at times, not thinking that I was holy enough to push him further in his faith journey.

I started looking forward to Bible study even more than I previously had, always hoping to be in AJ’s group when we would split up, or trying to sit near him during dinner.  However, AJ seemed to be a lot younger than me.  I didn’t really know his background, but I knew that he was studying for his physical therapy boards after having recently graduated from college.  I assumed that he was around 22 years old.  I was 28 at the time, so I viewed him as the cute guy at Bible study who I had a bit of a crush on, knowing that nothing would ever come of it.

Wrong, once again.

Yes, he had only recently graduated from college, but that’s because he was earning his doctorate for physical therapy.  Once I learned that and knew that he was only four years younger than me, I was even more interested in him.

On October 8th, I went to Catholic Underground in New York City with some of my friends from Bible study.  AJ was just a few weeks away from his boards for physical therapy, so he was studying during the drive up to NYC.  I was sitting next to him in the back seat, quizzing him on his notes and also chatting about life to him and the rest of our group.

14559947_939879618000_5852361517362627532_o

During adoration, I noticed that he took out his phone.  Initially, I totally judged him, wondering what could be so important that he would look at his phone during adoration.  Then I realized that he was actually looking up the words to the Hillsong United song, “Touch the Sky,” which was being played.  And then I I noticed how he was singing aloud — something that isn’t that common among the Catholic men I see at any given Sunday Mass.

At the end of the night, I told AI that I would pray for his boards and he told me that he would pray for my upcoming marathon.  It turned out that these significant events were both happening during the same week: my marathon on October 23rd and his exam on October 27th.

We didn’t talk much outside of Bible study at that point because we didn’t even have each other’s numbers.  He sent me a private message on Slack, the app our Bible study uses to inform everyone about our events.  He said that he hoped that my race went well (but he was a little early, so I thanked him and explained the actual date of my race), and I promised him that I would pray for his exam.

I always try to pray for people when they need me to, but often I forget to pray at the exact right moment when their test or other significant event is happening.  Not this time.  I couldn’t believe how many times I thought of AJ and his exam on October 27th.  Even while I was at work, I kept thinking about the test and how he was doing, saying a little prayer every time I remembered.

October 27th was a Thursday, so we had Bible study that night.  He came late since he was busy that day, but I remember feeling so excited to see him since I had prayed for his test so much that day.  We didn’t really get to talk, but I was so hopeful that he would pass.

The following Thursday, November 3rd, I hosted Bible study at my apartment.  It turned out that a larger group than normal was available that night, so we faced a good problem: too many people here for Bible study.  I made penne a la vodka with chicken and squished 15 of us into my living room.

14890390_947361404440_2687692922311237888_o.jpg

It was a very warm fall last year, so I was always looking for people to come kayaking with me.  I posted an open invitation on Slack, but I did secretly hope that AJ might take me up on my offer for anyone to join me for kayaking.  He responded that he was interested, so we exchanged numbers, waiting for a nice day to kayak.
Before we actually had time to go kayaking, my friend, Kate, invited a bunch of us to go to a bar crawl in Asbury Park to raise money for the Covenant House on November 5th.  I don’t drink at all, so a bar crawl was not very high on my list of desired things to do, but I was excited that I would get to spend time with Kate and Gabriella, and I was hoping that AJ might come as well.  Gabriella and I planned to bike to Asbury, so I was excited to at least have fun with her and Kate.

14991857_947861222800_3424138299974684751_n

In the end, the bar crawl was great.  AJ and I talked here and there throughout the day, but we also spent time talking to other friends.  I was able to catch up with some of my teammates from a relay race that we had completed in August.  

Then we got to the last bar, Johnny Mac’s, and some of the bar crawl crew had gone home for the night.  There was an outdoor bar that had these huge heaters blasting (it was November in New Jersey, after all), but nobody wanted to sit directly under the heaters because it was so hot.  Well, I quickly learned that both AJ and I love being hot.  We sat at the bar under those heaters for a long time, just chatting and getting to know each other.  I knew for sure at that point that I was interested in him, and I was hoping that the feelings were mutual, but I really wasn’t sure.  I’ve always been pretty terrible at knowing when guys are interested in me.

Soon after that night, we were started hanging out together pretty often, since I was free every afternoon after work and AJ hadn’t yet gotten hired as a physical therapist since he was waiting on his license to come in the mail.  It also helped that I had extra days off from work for teacher convention.

I’m so thankful for this time that we had because if he had already had a job when we first met, we never would have been able to hang out.  God’s perfect timing was definitely at work.

On Tuesday, November 8th, AJ and I got to go kayaking on Shark River when I got out of work.  We kayaked and talked and had a really good time.  The following day, Wednesday, we went to see the movie Hacksaw Ridge.  I remember texting Gabriella about it, unsure whether or not it was a date, not knowing whether I should pay for my own ticket or not.  In the end, he planned to get to the theater before me to get the tickets, so I just figured he would get the tickets.  But then we both showed up at exactly the same time, so when the cashier called him up, I just let him purchase both of our tickets.  He told me later on that he did not intend the movies to be a date, but he realized that I may have thought that when I let him pay.  Regardless, it was a great movie.  

On Thursday, we had a young adult Mass at my church, followed by fellowship at a local bar, Anchor Tavern.  

60606886E

Because I was one of the people organizing the event, I didn’t have time to talk to AJ because I had to walk over to Anchor Tavern first to make sure that the reserved tables had been set up for us.

I sat at a table, just hoping that AJ would end up near me.  That event had a great turnout, with over 20 of us at the bar and many more who attended the Mass.  AJ did, in fact, sit near me.  This time, I really felt like he was interested in me, even though I was still a bit unclear on the whole situation.  

The next day, Friday, we went hiking at Hartshorne Park in Atlantic Highlands.  Unfortunately, AJ didn’t have his own car at this point.  He had to borrow his brother’s car, so we were only able to hike for a short time before he needed to return the car.

Then on Saturday, a group of us from Bible study were driving to the campus ministry house at Rider University to film this video.  That was the fifth consecutive day that AJ and I had been together.

Some time during that week I had talked to Gabriella, completely unsure whether or not he was interested in me.  I felt like he had to be since we were spending so much time together, but at the same time, he would always just say goodbye when he left, not really hugging me goodbye or anything.

The following week, we went kayaking again on Wednesday, November 16th.  At one point, though, he mentioned a friend who may have been interested in someone else at Bible study and he said how he didn’t want Bible study to become a singles group.  When he said that, I was really confused.  Did he direct that towards me, trying to show me that we were just buddies and that no relationship would come out of all of our hang-outs?  Or did he just mean that he didn’t want his friend to come to Bible study with the sole purpose of finding at mate?  I was extremely confused.

On Thursday, we had Bible study Friendsgiving.  I had to arrive late since it was the same night as parent-teacher conferences, but I was glad that I got to at least come to part of it.

15123468_10154755316192138_4371570121802041552_o.jpg

Then on Friday, we had a holy half hour in Freehold, followed by fellowship at Moore’s Tavern.  It was pretty loud in the bar that night, so it was difficult to talk to people.  Every time AJ tried to talk to me, he put his hand on my back to pull me closer to him so that we could hear each other.  I remember how tingly his touch felt every time he put his hand on the small of my back.

We talked about Spartan races and I told him about one that I was planning to sign up for.  He was interested and said that he was going to look into signing up for the same race.  He said that he could help me to increase my strength and I could help him to get back into a running routine.  He reminded me that Spartan training came with one stipulation — that he would not work out for more hours a day than he spent in prayer or at church.  I thought that was incredible.

He also invited me to go to a party that his parents were throwing for him the following weekend to celebrate his graduation and passing the boards.  Later on, I asked Gabriella if she had been invited.  When she said no, I was pretty confident that he had invited me because he was interested in me.

The following weekend, on Saturday, November 20th, we helped Kate deliver Thanksgiving baskets to families in need.  Then AJ and I went to Twin Lights in Highlands, before hiking for a really long time again at Hartshorne.  It was absolutely one of the most fun days that I had ever had.  We had so much fun doing such ridiculous things and making up silly games.  We ran through the reeds, played hide and seek, climbed fallen trees, played balancing games, Simon Says, you name it.

Then we created a game where one of us would close our eyes and the other person would try to lead us through the woods.  We were in a really thick part of the woods, so it was relatively difficult to navigate alone, let alone helping another person.  It was hilarious and we had a great time.

We were there for hours, ultimately hiking five and a half miles (partially because we thought we were going in a loop, but when we got to a dead end, we had to go back the entire way).

Afterward, we were starving for dinner, but we were both filthy from hours of hiking.  It was Jersey Shore Restaurant Week, so we ended up going to Mr. Shrimp for dinner, despite our filth.  Dinner was also hilarious because we kept finding random leaves and branches stuck to our clothing or in our hair.  My diary entry on that day says, “It was such a blast,  I have a feeling he’s going to end up being my next boyfriend but I still want to wait for him to take the lead.  I guess we shall see what happens.”

The following Saturday, November 27th, was his graduation party at his house.  I was a little bit nervous since I had never met his family or friends, and I only knew three people who were going to be there.  It was really fun though.  

During the bonfire, somehow the topic of blood diamonds came up and AJ said how he never wanted to buy a diamond.  I was absolutely blown away.  He was the first person I had ever met who even knew about blood diamonds.  I had been saying for years that I never wanted to own a diamond.  There were just so many things that AJ and I had in common — even our distaste for diamonds.

Later, people started leaving, but he asked if our friends, Sway and Denielle, wanted to stay so that the four of us could play some games, so we played Blokus and Scattergories.  Eventually, Sway and Denielle were also leaving and I really wanted to stay to talk to AJ for a bit since we hadn’t been able to talk much during his party, but it was already getting late.  Fortunately, AJ felt the same exact way.  He has a dog named Bolt who is very mean to most people other than his immediate family.  Knowing my love for dogs, though, he asked if I wanted him to introduce me to his dog.  Of course I excitedly agreed.

I guess I’m a pet whisperer or something, because Bolt was initially scared, but let me pet him.  Eventually, he came right up to me, licking my hand and everything.  AJ couldn’t believe it because Bolt is usually so mean to everyone he encounters.  

AJ and I ended up talking on his couch for hours, before he finally kissed me for the first time.  It’s funny looking back, because I felt like we had been hanging out for such a long time before he kissed me, but really the first time we had hung out together without other friends from Bible study was November 8th, so it was only about three weeks later.  I think it felt like more time than that since there were many times when we hung out for four or five days in a row.

I don’t usually kiss guys who I’m not in a relationship with, but I remember being happy that he kissed me.  He made it clear that we were dating and not seeing other people.  But he wasn’t officially my boyfriend just yet.

We signed up for the Spartan Beast in April.  Looking back, I’m really surprised that I did that because we could have realized that we weren’t right for each other between November and April.  It could have made the race really awkward, but everything worked out just fine.

I can’t remember exactly how long we ended up hanging out and talking that night, but it was really late.  I think I only left his house around 5am, which is a big deal for me since I am not typically a night person.

After that night, we continued hanging out, volunteering, running, working out, and playing games together.

One night we went to look at the ice sculptures in Neptune before walking around Belmar to look at all of the Christmas lights.  We decided to take silly pictures imitating the sculptures.

Everything we did together was an absolute blast.  At this point, I started telling one of my coworkers about him and she said she’d wager that we would be engaged in 6 to 9 months.  I disagreed since we weren’t yet an official couple, but she just told me to wait and see.  It’s funny now, looking back on that conversation, because she had us pegged from the start.

In early December, AJ was hired as a physical therapist, so his life started to get really busy.  I am so thankful for all of the time that we had during the month of November because I didn’t realize how much that was about to change.

On the weekend of December 10th, one of our friends was having a birthday weekend celebration in the Poconos.  I only knew Sway from Bible study, but he had been AJ’s friend for years.  AJ invited me to come with a group of their friends to the Poconos.  I was initially really nervous about going since I didn’t really know their group of friends yet and I wasn’t sure about the sleeping situation.  I didn’t want to have to share a bed with AJ, but I wasn’t sure how much space there would be for everyone.  I also didn’t know how much drinking would be involved, since I am not interested in alcohol at all and I really hate being around drunk people.

In the end, the weekend was a ton of fun and I’m really glad that I went.  I got to know AJ’s friends better, go hiking in the Poconos, go swimming in the pool, and enjoy time with AJ before his life got super busy with work.

15442146_958886433190_9216596886483603541_n

The first night, we slept on the kitchen floor in sleeping bags, but we were talking for such a long time that we looked at the clock at one point and realized that it was 6am.  Oops!  That day we went hiking for hours and I can’t believe that we even had the energy, considering our lack of sleep.

The second night, on December 11th, AJ made it official that I was his girlfriend.  I’m really happy how everything turned out.  I like the fact that we we met in Bible study and got to know each other through our discussions of the Scriptures, rather than on awkward first dates.  There was never a time that I was trying to act a certain way to impress him.  He even heard me talk about things I would rather have him not know about, like some conversations I had about previous relationships.  Initially, I didn’t expect to end up with AJ at all, so I didn’t really care what I talked about when I was at Bible study or with that group of friends, and I think the same was true for him.  We got to know the other person in an open, prayerful environment, which ended up being perfect.

IMG_20161210_152508

We never really had a first date because initially we were hanging out kayaking and hiking, but it never really felt like a date.  We were just friends.  Then everything just developed into a relationship with the passing of time.

Fast forward a bit and now we are engaged, set to get married in August 2018.  It’s amazing all that has happened in the past year and I am so thankful that God allowed my path to cross AJ’s path.  We only had a short window of time to find each other between the start of Bible study and the start of AJ’s physical therapy job.

22405402_10100156404672030_7756190764121758993_n

As I had become older and experienced more failed experiences, I think I had grown a bit cynical about relationships.  I expected to have to settle a bit, never expecting to find someone who was quite as faithful or adventurous as me.  I didn’t think I would find someone who has a passion for mission trips and volunteering.  I didn’t really believe that God had that perfect love story in my cards.  Boy, was I wrong.

Right now next year, I will be married to the most amazing man I know.  I am excited that I will get to call him my husband and that he will call me his wife.  Our short life on earth should be lived with one goal in mind: heaven.  There is nobody I would rather have beside me during that journey, pushing me to grow in holiness each and every day.

 

Female Chauvinist Pigs

I recently finished reading a book written by Ariel Levy, called Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture.  Although I don’t agree with some of her assertions in the book, I was nodding my head while reading along with others.

51H4l7o2NcL._SX321_BO1,204,203,200_

The book centers around women, feminism, and how we have been fighting for equality for years, only to behave in ways that are only pushing us back in terms of progress.

What is crazy to me is that this book was written in 2005 and to me, it seems that things have become even worse than when Levy wrote the book.  There was no Instagram, Snapchat, Tinder, or Bumble back in 2005.  If anything, things have only gotten worse since her book was published.  Without ruining the book for you, here are some of my key takeaways:

Females going to strip clubs

I have never understood why some heterosexual females go to female strip clubs with friends or even boyfriends.  I would rather not go to a male strip club either, but I really don’t understand why women are going to watch other women strip.  According to the women she spoke to, it was “liberating.”

Liberating to watch women remove their close while men are ogling them?  Gaining the right to vote is liberating.  Earning equal pay for equal work is liberating.  Watching women take their clothes off while strange men stare at them is not my definition of liberating.

Playboy

Years ago, women were picketing against Playboy because they found it exploitive and mysogynistic, but now women themselves purchase the magazine and get tattoos of the bunny logo.  Many women view Hugh Hefner as a chauvinistic pig himself, but now many others are Playboy enthusiasts themselves, wishing that they could be playmate.

Girls Gone Wild

These women are basically fighting for a chance to show their naked breasts (or more) to the world.  They not even getting paid because they are not actual porn stars, but they all want a chance to be in front of the cameras.

Hey Mom, guess what I got to do on spring break?  Show off my breasts for free to a sleazy cameraman!  Isn’t that great!?

How is is possible that women do not understand that this is degrading to women.  It focuses all of our worth on our bodies.  It does not matter how intelligent we are or what our personality is like; what matters is only that we have a nice rack.

Yet women are upset if they are on a legitimate date with a guy and he stares at her breasts the entire time.  We cannot act as though we are wild, free, and slutty and then expect guys to treat us as though we are ladies.

Ladies do not bare their chests for a Girls Gone Wild cameraman.

Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition

Many female Olympic athletes pose nude (or almost nude) in the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated magazine.  Levy writes about how some of them seem to feel the need to show off their bodies as feminine since they sometimes appear masculine while participating in their sport.

These women are in their prime in terms of their bodies and fitness, yet they are still seeking approval for their beauty and femininity?

There are not too many male Olympians who feel the need to pose naked in order to prove their masculinity.

I live by the beach and I have seen so many girls this summer taking photos that look like they belong in that magazine.  They lay in the sand, arching their backs to get the best shot.  Girls who would never want to be covered in sand are laying in it to get the perfect Instagram pic.

Others are kneeling in the water, even on days when it is freezing.  They spread their legs wide, flip their hair, and make pouty faces.  It looks absolutely absurd.

Here are some of the words I heard from two girls on the beach one day:

“Use the up angle so we look skinnier.  Up angle is the bomb. Is my hair okay?  Do I look fat?  Should I put my hair half up?  I’ll edit them and then send them to you.  Don’t worry, I won’t post anything yet until I edit them.  Take some candids so it looks like we’re laughing at each other.  Should we lay on our backs or our stomachs?  Let’s put our legs up.  Put your arm on your hip.”

I cannot even count the number of girls who talk about how much skinnier they will look once they edit their photos.  So now we are not only photoshopping celebrities in magazines, but we are photoshopping ourselves so that EVERY photo is a lie.

Guess what, ladies?  You might look beautiful on Instagram thanks to the filters and edits, but do you not realize that it is all a facade?

If you are overweight and wish you looked skinner, photoshopping is not the answer.  It will take healthy meals and exercise to fix the problem.  But we live in a fast-paced society that seeks fast-paced solutions, so more girls turn to their photo edits rather than an actual healthy lifestyle.

Plastic Surgery

According to Levy, “between 1992 and 2004, breast augmentation procedures in this country went from 32,607 a year to 264,041 a year–that’s an increase of more than 700 percent.”  700 percent increase?!?  Those numbers are outrageous.

I have never previously heard of this, but there is even something called “vaginoplasty” that makes the vagina more attractive.  It can lead to painful nerve damage, but hey, we want vaginas that look like those of porn stars.

Sure, sex may not be fulfilling ever again, but it’s worth it in the name of beauty.  This sounds terrifyingly similar to those tribes that partake in female genital mutilation so that women are unable to enjoy sex.  Yet we’re doing it intentionally in the hopes of a hotter vagina?  Insane.

Pornography

Years ago, being a porn star ruined a person’s credibility.  It was something that could easily destroy a woman’s image.  Yet today, there are celebrities like Paris Hilton who are not actresses or musicians; instead, they are famous because of a sex tape.

Levy talks about the high rates of post-traumatic stress disorder that is prevalent among sex workers.  Many of them face long-term emotional problems as a result of their work.

The majority of them experienced some form of sexual trauma before entering the porn industry.  They are sexually traumatized, which is only increased after spending time as a porn star.

I have not researched porn very much since it isn’t something that I have struggled with, but there are many secular articles that have been written about the way that pornography ruins marriages and relationships.  A simple Google search of “how porn ruins marriages” yields thousands of results, both religious and secular.

Casual sex

In my own experiences, I have found it amazing how sex has become so casual.  People act as though it is normal to have sex on the third date.  As a Catholic who does not believe in sex before marriage, I find this appalling, but I understand that many people are not as strict as my beliefs.  However, sex on the third date absolutely blows my mind.  But this is completely common in today’s colleges — even sex on the first date, or a one night stand without the prospect of ever meeting up again in the future.

This summer I overheard some conversations by females at the beach that simply broke my heart.  Here is one that I overheard recently:

Girl 1: I need to raise the body count.

Girl 2: Like people you’ve had sex with?  You want to be a slut?

Girl 1: No, I just feel like I need to sleep with more people.  I’ve only been with 3 guys.

In case you were wondering, girl 1 was only 22 years old.  Why did she feel the need to increase her “body count”?  And why did she refer to it in that manner anyway?

I’m not even going to get into the spread of STDs here.  We all know that they exist, yet nobody seems to care or be worried about that.

Girls acting like guys

Levy said that because of the way male chauvinists have acted, girls feel as though they can empower themselves by treating sex as casually as some men do.  They want sex without the emotions, just notches on their bed posts.

And I guess that it what is happening, but this should not be viewed in a positive light.

More women are promiscuous, are flaunting their bodies, and are talking about how many men they have slept with.  Does this lewdness make us feel equal?

Rather than seeking out gentlemen in the sea of chauvinists, we are becoming chauvinists ourselves.  Are we taking the “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” approach?

Some of us are using our looks to get men, power, and career advancements.  Why not use our brains and our charisma?    I will not feel accomplished if I use my body to advance in the world.  I want to be taken seriously as a strong female because of my hard work in my job, and not my hard work in bed.

Women – those of you who are acting in this way are ruining progress for all of us.

Clothing

I did not know this before, but thongs were created in 1939 in order to cover the genitals of exotic dancers in New York City for the World’s Fair.  “The thong was born to placate [mayor Fiorello La Guardia’s] decree while exposing the maximum amount of skin.”

Now they are being sold to children in stores like Abercrombie & Fitch, which market clothing to 7-14 year olds.

Girls are wearing shorter shorts, so short that the underside of their butt cheeks are visible, with crop tops that expose their entire stomach and back, and often quite a bit of cleavage as well.

I wrote a previous blog entitled How Did Modesty Get Such a Negative Connotation?   Do we no longer want to maintain any degree of mystery about our bodies?

There are tons of students and parents fighting back now against school dress codes. (I also wrote a blog entitled School Dress Codes are Not Sexist.)  The dress codes simply want boobs, butts, back, and stomachs covered.  That isn’t sexist, but today’s females think it is appropriate to come to school looking like a stripper or a prostitute.  And unfortunately, some of their parents agree that that should be allowed and accepted.

Have you seen girls on Halloween lately?  That’s another separate blog, What Has Halloween Become?

Adolescents

One of the most upsetting parts of Levy’s book was the section in which she talks to adolescent girls about their sexual experiences or those of the females in their schools.  Sex in 7th grade is not uncommon.  The verdict among most of the girls she spoke to was that the sluttier a girl appeared, the more popular she probably was.

Many of the girls are giving oral sex to the boys to increase their popularity.  One girl called oral sex “super casual.”

These girls aren’t doing it because they enjoy it or because they love these boys so much; they want popularity.  Instead of gaining popularity by being a star athlete, or having a great personality, girls in the 21st century are becoming more popular based on the number of blow jobs they have given.  Progress right there.

“About a quarter of girls between ages 15 and 19 describe their first time as ‘voluntary, but unwanted,’ according to the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation.”  Girls are losing their virginity intentionally, yet it is something that they do not want.  They want the attention and notoriety that comes with sex.

Girls on girls

Many females are also making out with other females, not because they are lesbian or bisexual, but because they know that guys like it.

How many guys would start making out with other guys (all heterosexual) just to appear sexy to women?  Very few, I would imagine.

Yet we are acting as though we love kissing girls so that guys will view us as sexy and wild.

It seems to me that there are a lot of broken girls who crave attention; they want to feel desired.  What they fail to realize is that the guys who do desire them only do so for their sexual promiscuity.  Hooking up with a guy at the bar who was only attracted to you because you were drunk and making out with girls is unlikely to help you to find a meaningful relationship.

It’s unlikely that you will even find a guy who respects you for more than your appearance.  Yet we still get angry when guys fail to take us seriously.  News flash, ladies: you’re making the problem worse.  It’s hypocritical to act like a stripper at a club and then expect a man to take you out to a nice dinner.  You can’t show off your boobs and expect a quality man to want to pursue a relationship with you.  You’re not wife material; you’re one night stand material.  Is that really what you want?

 

In the conclusion of her book, Levy writes, “When you think about it, it’s kind of pathetic. ..We are selling ourselves unbelievably short.”

And that’s exactly what it comes down to.  In our disrespect for our own bodies and minds, we are selling ourselves short.  There are amazing guys out there who will treat you like the princess you deserve to be treated like; however, you will never find them while wearing those bright red stripper heels and twerking in the tight bodycon dress while making out with a girl who looks as slutty as you.  If all you want in life is one night stands and hookups, then proceed, but I have a feeling that most of you don’t truly seek that in your deepest desires.

You want attention and you want to feel desired.  You don’t realize that you really want to feel loved.  But because love is a scary thing, and because it makes you vulnerable to heartache, you settle for sexual desire.  If a guy ogles you, or even sexually harasses you, you feel beautiful.  That is the problem.

You must not accept anything less than the respect you deserve, but it starts with you.  Will you act in a way that shows that you don’t just want respect, but that you are demanding respect?   Or will you continue being a female chauvinist pig?

Uganda Part Two: Amani Baby Cottage

If you missed the first blog, you can find part one of my trip to Uganda here.

Lake Victoria / Nile River

On our free day (Saturday), we went shopping for souvenirs in downtown Jinja.  Then we went out to an Indian restaurant for lunch, followed by a boat ride.

The boat ride started out on Lake Victoria.  We saw some prisons that have land that leads right into the water, but there were no fences.  Our guide told us that 96% of Ugandans are unable to swim, so they know that the prisoners will not escape.

We also saw fish farms in the middle of the lake where tilapia are harvested.

We stopped at a fishing village where we walked around and saw all of these little silver fish that they were drying out in the sun.

DSCN6059

All of the children in the village were excited to see us, and they cried out, “mzungu!” (“white person!”)  They all wanted to hold our hands, but what was interesting is that many of them were also smelling our hands.  I have no idea why they did that.  I’m not sure if previous white people maybe had a lot of perfume or scented lotion on.  Or maybe our skin just smells different than theirs.  I’m not too sure.

After leaving the fishing village, we headed to the source of the Nile.  The Nile River is the world’s longest river and it flows north, from Uganda to Egypt.  The water started moving more quickly once we got closer to the area where the lake and the river meet.  The guide told us that it was because of the huge difference between the depth of the lake and the depth of the river.

Rachel and I stuck our feet into the water:

IMG_1188

Then we took a group photo there.

IMG_1206


After volunteering with Sixty Feet and Sole Hope, we spent our last three days at Amani Baby Cottage in Jinja.

Initially, when reading about the trip to Uganda back in December when I registered, we were going to split all of our time between Sixty Feet and Sole Hope.  It was only more recently that the three days at Amani were added.

To be completely honest, I was disappointed at the addition of Amani to our itinerary.  I’m not a huge baby person.  I teach high school students because I prefer the older kids.  I was excited for the other two volunteer opportunities because I knew that there would be children of many ages.  Hearing the words “baby cottage” did not excite me at all.

Fortunately, I found out that Amani housed children from ages 0 to 5, so I was hoping to get to spend most of my time with the older kids.  Five year olds I could deal with (or at least I thought so); it was the babies I was not ready for.

Amani Baby Cottage

According to its website, Amani Baby Cottage (ABC), “was established in 2003 to provide care for orphaned and abandoned children…Many are orphaned when their parents die due to AIDS, birth complications or other factors. Some are abandoned in the hospital after birth. Others are found abandoned at taxi stops, in latrines, or on the street…To date, a total of 328 children have been cared for in our home. 107 of these have been reunited with their parents or extended family members, 135 have been fostered into new families, and 26 have been transferred to other ministry placements. We do not refuse children in fragile health, thus 23 children have died while in our care.”

Everyone on my team had different tasks during our time at Amani.  There were 43 children there, ages 0 to 5.  Different team members helped with the infants, the toddlers, the preschool, cleaning, changing diapers, rocking babies, you name it.

There are Ugandan women working there who are referred to as “Mamas.”  It’s really cute hearing the children call the women “Mama.”  Any time the mamas hand out a snack or help a child with something, the kids say, “thank you, Mama.”

When volunteers come, they calls us “aunties” and “uncles.”  It was nice having that routine set before we arrived because even if they didn’t know our first name, they could still address us.

The first day at Amani, Rachel, Cortnie, and I were helping out with the preschool.  The students met as a group at first to do their morning routine, learning about the weather and the calendar.  Then they separated into three groups for different activities.  There were the zebras, giraffes, and lions, according to their ages.  They would rotate through different activities so that the groupings would be smaller.

It was amazing to see how well organized everything was.  The mamas had the schedule down to the minute and the kids were very well-behaved and polite.

DSCN6121
The preschool children in their school uniforms

I was with the zebras and our first activity was to go outside to play.  They ran around, played on the swings and monkey bars, and the mamas led them in some fun exercises like frog jumps and songs that had body movements incorporated.

After that, all of the kids regrouped, said a prayer, had porridge and a snack, before separating into their animal groups again. Each of the kids in my group were given a card with a letter on it.  They had to replicate that letter by building it with blocks.  I was really impressed by their language skills.  The other children we met in Uganda knew some English, but here their English sounded perfect and they were completely fluent.

Their schedule shifted a bit after that because the Auntie Rebecca, who had been their preschool teacher for the past month as a volunteer, was flying back home, so she gave out lollipops and they spent some time taking goodbye pictures.

Then we watched some Australian learning videos that were absolutely hilarious to Rachel and me.  They were super corny and the main actor was really strange, but the kids loved them, marching and dancing along to the songs.  There were songs like “The Wheels on the Bus” and then others that I hadn’t heard of.

We helped get the kids ready for lunch and then their nap, and then we left for lunch.

After lunch, we came back to play outside with the kids.  I mainly pushed kids on the swings.  Other people on our team were running around, playing with balls, or doing face paint.

IMG_6614.JPG

The next day, we expected to return to Amani to similar tasks.  However, upon arriving, we learned that the Mamas had professional development scheduled that day.  They had tried to reschedule it, but there were people who traveled from Kampala to go there.

Due to the change in schedule, preschool was cancelled.  Mission trips always require flexibility and this is the best example of that.  There was no time to complain or ask questions; we just needed to get to work.

Kimi, Joe and I went to the one of the male cottages, which housed ten boys: Edmond, Solomon, Jimmy, Silas, Babu, Michael, Dominic, David, Jonah, and Jonathan.  Jonathan was the only baby and Jonah was around two years old.  The rest were toddlers.

I cannot even begin to describe the chaos that ensued.  There were a few times when I looked over at Kimi and asked, “Am I being pranked right now?  Is this Candid Camera?”  During those moments, all we could do was shoot terrified glances over at one another and then simply laugh at the ridiculousness that we were experiencing.

The boys had acted like little angels when their mamas were around, sitting in a perfect formation, saying thank you, and using good manners, but it was like a switch flipped the moment the mamas walked out the door.

They were stealing toys from each other, running around, and trying to climb the shelves.  We put on a movie, but they wouldn’t stop talking so they couldn’t hear the movie.  I found two books, so I tried reading to them.  They listened to the first book, but by the second, their attention span was gone.

Every now and then, though, one of the mamas would come in to check on something or to make sure that things were going alright.  The minute they entered the room, the boys returned to their perfect angel state.  All a mama had to say was, “boys, stop talking,” and there was silence.  Kimi and I just looked at each other in amazement any time this happened.

IMG_1250
Watching a movie

Then it was time for their snack (porridge and a banana).  Mama Georgina told us to stir the porridge with a cup before serving them because it was too hot.  The boys were watching something on the TV while we stirred.  Then, one of the boys started the prayer before meals: “Hand together,” he said.  And they all repeated, “hands together” while putting their hands into prayer position.  “Eyes closed,” he continued, and they all shut their eyes.  They went through all of the prayer.  I couldn’t understand all of the words but it was something like: “Hands together, eyes closed.  Bless our porridge, bless our mamas, bless our aunties, bless our uncles, in Jesus’ name, amen.”  They would all clap while they said “Amen.”

Kimi and I thought that it was really cute that they just said their prayers on their own while watching the movie.  Then, a few minutes later, another boy started the prayer.  When he finished he said, “auntie, we would like our porridge.”  The problem was that it was still extremely hot.

IMG_1279
Prayers before snack

The same thing happened a few minutes later, with another boy starting the prayer.  This time we decide to give them the porridge because we knew they wouldn’t stop praying and asking.  I have no idea how they drank it since it seemed to be burning hot, but they loved it.  One boy in the room has special needs and he doesn’t have full control of his arms or legs.  He spilled the porridge all over himself, so we had to find him a new change of clothes.  I hope that he didn’t burn his chest.

After snack, we were excited that we could bring the boys outside.  We expected it to be less crazy than being cooped up in the cottage all day.  Boy were we wrong!

There were people working on the grounds of Amani, doing various tasks like gardening.  The boys ran out of the cottage and made a beeline for the yard tools.  The workers weren’t there at the moment, but their shovels, hoes, and rakes were.

I found myself running toward the edge of the property, wrestling these garden tools out of the hands of the toddlers.  Initially, I told the kids not to touch them and to put them down and they listened, but the moment I walked away, I saw kids chasing each other with the tools.

So back I went, running around in an attempt to avoid witnessing a child being impaled by a gardening tool.  Rachel came outside of her cottage with the girls and she was somehow able to grab a rake out of one of the children’s hands, despite holding two babies on either hip.

Katie told us later that the whole scene was hilarious.  Looking back, I can’t help but laugh at the chaos, but in the moment, I was feeling completely overwhelmed.

At different points during the day, I paused to say a prayer asking God for help.  It sounds so funny now, but gosh, we were all feeling completely overwhelmed and unprepared.  I couldn’t have gotten through that whole day if I wasn’t confident that God had placed me there for a reason and that He was going to help me to continue.

After the garden tool fiasco, we just played outside and then we left for lunch.

We usually went over our highs and lows each day at dinner.  Every team member would discuss their day and it was a nice way to debrief.  This day, we decided to do highs and lows at lunch since we were all exhausted and less than enthused about the thought of returning to Amani.  Many of our teammates were peed on, pooped on, or spit up on.

Kimi and I had been thinking that we had it the worst with ten boys between us, but we came to find out during lunch that Cortnie and Rachel had it even worse in the girls’ cottage.  There were 13 girls and it sounded like they were behaved even more badly than the boys.

Serving at Amani that day definitely gave us a quick dose of humility.  It also increased our respect and appreciation of the mamas exponentially.  The mamas do such an amazing job caring for and loving those children and I’m sure that they have their fair share of difficulties.

The children at Amani come from a variety of backgrounds so although everything looked like it was down to a science on our first day there, I know that doesn’t just happen out of nowhere.  Establishing the routines, rules, and procedures takes a lot of work and those mamas are simply amazing.  It is also clear how much they truly love those children.  If I ever considered adopting, I would have no hesitation to adopt a child from a place like Amani because it is obvious that they are extremely well cared for.

After lunch, we were all hesitant about returning, but it was much calmer.  We played with the kids outside.  We played on the swing set and we also brought bubbles.

Something that was really interesting to me was that the swing set was dedicated to the victims of the Sandy Hook shooting.  It had a plaque on it that included the names and ages of everyone who had died in Connecticut that day, along with the names of companies and churches that had either donated the supplied for the swing set, donated money, or helped to build it.

There were stores from Bethel and Danbury, Connecticut listed on the plaque, which is where I used to live before moving to New Jersey.  What a small world that I was playing with kids in Uganda on a playground that was made with supplies from my former town!

Sarah and Mary brought their Polaroid camera, so the kids LOVED having their pictures taken.

We found out that afternoon that the professional development was a two-day course. Upon leaving, we knew that we would probably have another chaotic day in store for us the following day.  I was thankful for a calmer afternoon, but nervous what the next day would entail.

IMG_1262
Yep, I’m holding a baby!

Some of us switched roles the next day.  I stayed in the same room as the previous day because I figured that it would be helpful that I knew all of the names of the boys in that cottage.  Rachel, Cortnie, and Joe were in that cottage with me.

This was our last day volunteering in Uganda, so I think that most of us hoped that it would be a better experience than the prior day.  Fortunately, it was definitely better.  There were definitely still crazy, chaotic moments, but not nearly as many.

The woman who is the current director of Amani bought new movies, hoping that the kids would behave better if they were interested in a new movie that they hadn’t seen before.  That worked really well; the boys were engrossed in The Lion King.

IMG_1272

The only slight problem was that every kid wanted to sit in our laps, but there were only three of us.

They watched all of The Lion King, so we followed that with The Good Dinosaur.  They were less excited about that movie, so they got a little antsy.

We had snack time with more prayers, porridge, and bananas, and this time it was much better because the porridge wasn’t too hot when I got it from the kitchen.

We turned on Cars instead of The Good Dinosaur since they really didn’t like that one.  We could hear noises coming from the girls’ cottage and some of the girls ran into our cottage to show the boys some crafts they were making.  Cortnie, Rachel, and I were nervous that would cause the boys to become rambunctious as well.  We shut both of the doors so that the girls couldn’t distract them and then we brought out the crayons and coloring books.

IMG_1276

It went well, other than one kid who was eating his crayon:

IMG_1280

We left for lunch and when we returned, the mamas had a variety of hand-made items out on display.  It was great to be able to support the mamas by purchasing some souvenirs from them.

Then the kids had pineapple for a snack before going outside.  They wanted us to play “Let it Go” from Frozen on our phones.  Katie had that song on her phone, so she had played it for them before, but she wasn’t with us.  They didn’t understand how it was possible that we didn’t have the song.  We had a phone just like her, after all.  I tried to play them other songs on my phone, but they were unimpressed.

Then it was time to go outside for the rest of the afternoon.  Mama Georgina handed me a pair of nail clippers and said to trim the boys’ nails.  I wasn’t too sure how that was going to play out, but the boys were actually really good at staying still while I clipped their nails.  I’m not sure if I have ever clipped anyone’s nails before that.

IMG_2330

We had nail polish, so we painted their nails.  That was a bit of a mess since they kept moving too soon after and smudging the nail polish, but they liked it anyway.  We also had more bubbles.

It seemed like there were fewer kids that afternoon, so it was much calmer.  I was told that some of them were going to therapists or other appointments.

After playing for a while, it was getting close to our time to leave.  The mamas had the kids form a circle so that they could sing farewell songs to us.  That moment was really touching.

They sang some songs in English and some in Luganda; there were some that we were familiar with, such as “Baa Baa, Black Sheep,” and others that we had never heard.

IMG_6671.JPG

One girl started singing a Christian song and it was just precious.  Both her and her twin sister had one hand on their heart and one hand raised to the sky, praising God.

IMG_2351

The songs were really cute, but then it was time to leave.  One boy, Silas, had been sitting on my lap during all of the songs and he had been following me around a little bit that afternoon (he’s the one who ate the blue crayon).  He was holding onto my skirt as I got up to walk away.

I had to physically remove his arms from around my waist and then he started crying.  As we walked out of the compound, some of the kids (like Silas) were crying.  One boy, Edmond, ran up to the fence and waved goodbye.

I couldn’t stop a few tears from rolling down my cheeks.  I couldn’t help but consider how many people the children must say goodbye to.

It’s awesome that so many people go to Amani to volunteer, but there’s always a goodbye.  Some of these boys were abandoned by their parents, and I just felt like I was continuing the cycle of loss.

It was bittersweet, though, because at the same time, we were really needed there.  Although we did a lot of work with Sole Hope, I’m sure that they could have found anyone to help wash feet or pass out lollipops or stickers.

But when the mamas needed their professional development, I’m not sure what they would have done had we not been there.  Us being there helped take a lot off of their plate and I’m thankful that I was able to show my gratitude to them by removing some of their daily duties for a few days.

I know that God placed me and my team exactly where He needed us, so I know that I shouldn’t feel sad, but walking down the road and away from those children was really hard.


After leaving Amani, we went back to our guest house to pack our bags since we would be leaving early the following morning to take the long drive back to Entebbe for our flights home.

We left around 6:30 to drive about three hours to Entebbe.  We had our last lunch at a restaurant overlooking Lake Victoria.  It was nice to have one last team activity before heading out.

IMG_1297.JPG

We had a five and a half hour flight to Dubai, followed by a four hour layover.  When we landed in Dubai, we had to get off the plane and board a bus to take us to the airport, but Rachel was flying to Germany and Cortnie was flying to Dallas, so they had to get onto a different bus than the rest of us.

Unfortunately, we hadn’t expected that, so we didn’t really get to say goodbye.

The temperature was around 95 degrees even though it was 10pm in Dubai.  It was so hot and humid that my camera lens fogged up when I tried to take a picture.

Now this is completely random, but something weird about Dubai International Airport is that the toilets seemed to have hot water in them.  I’m not sure if it was hot simply because it was so hot outside.  (It was around 107 degrees on our trip in the opposite direction since it was day time in Dubai at that point.)  Or maybe they heat their toilet water, though I can’t imagine that.  It felt like sitting on a steamer or something when I sat on the toilet.  TMI?  Probably, but it was interesting to me.

After our layover, we flew about 14 hours to JFK and luckily, that was my last stop.  We went through immigration/customs, got our luggage, and I said goodbye to my team, most of whom had to wait for another flight later in the day.

So that was my experience in Uganda this summer.

To everyone who donated money to help me to go on this trip: thank you so much.  I would have been unable to do this work if it hadn’t been for your great generosity.  Although you were not able to be on the trip in the flesh, I brought you with me in my prayers.

To everyone who donated jeans or helped me to cut the jean patterns: thank you.  I was able to witness the entire shoemaking process, from jeans, to jean patterns, to sewing and creating shoes.  And then I was able to help out at the actual clinic and see the shoes on the feet of people who were now jigger-free.  Although you may have simply given me a pair of old jeans, they are now helping someone to avoid a jigger re-infestation.

To those of you who prayed for me and my team: I appreciate it so much.  There were a few teammates who experienced minor illnesses, but we were healthy for the most part.  We were safe, and we had an excellent, rewarding experience.

To my teammates, Kimi, Bart, Jacob, Katie, Cortnie, Rachel, Sara, Haley, Mary, Mia, and Joe: I am grateful for meeting you.  I know that God formed our team with each of you in mind.  We each brought along our own strengths and weaknesses and together, we were able to help spread love throughout Kampala and Jinja.  I will continue to pray for each of you and I expect to hear more amazing things that each of you are doing in your lives.  You are all inspiring.

Love,

Stephanie


Here is the video for part two of my trip:

Father Larry Richards – Adoration & Healing

Day three of  Father Larry Richards’ mission centered around adoration, healing, and thanksgiving (You can look up older versions of this talk on YouTube.)  Our opening prayer centered on thanking Jesus for all that He has done in our lives.

We started by reading Revelation chapter 4, which was written by John.  It’s all about the Mass, which cannot be understood without understanding Revelation.  When we attend Mass, we are experiencing Heaven.  He read through John’s description of Heaven in chapter 4 and how everyone there is constantly singing praises to God.

Most of us Catholics always want something from God.  We want forgiveness, happiness, you name it.  We’re constantly saying, “gimmee, gimmee.”  But our main focus should be thanksgiving to God for His incredible mercy.  Jesus gave His life for us and that should be our focus.  We go to Mass to worship Him, glorify Him, praise Him, and thank Him, not to get something from Him.  After all, He gave us the most precious gift we can ever receive in His death on the cross.

Father Larry then spoke about Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament after exposing the Eucharist.  The bishop of his diocese was not keen on adoration, but Father Larry wanted an adoration chapel in his church.  Despite the bishop’s refusal, he was able to eventually start holding perpetual adoration.

There were many naysayers, but he didn’t care.  He had faith that the adoration chapel would come to fruition and after that, he had faith that through the prayers of his parish in that chapel, the local abortion clinic would close.  After only a few months of perpetual adoration, the abortion clinic closed.  Then, when it opened again two years later, it was only open for two weeks before closing again.  There is now no abortion clinic in the entire diocese of Erie, Pennsylvania.  

It’s so easy to lose hope in evils like abortion as a Catholic living in the year 2017.  It seems to be so common today that some people give up in their fight to end abortion.  But part of the problem is that we lack the faith to truly believe that abortion can be ended as a result of our prayer.  God can do anything and we need to start believing that.  We don’t see miracles because we don’t believe in His power.

As a pastor, Father Larry challenges his parishioners.  He makes the men of his church attend the nightly hours of perpetual adoration since it is located in an urban area.  Anyone who is an extraordinary minister of the holy Eucharist must have a holy hour.  He says that if they do not have an extraordinary devotion to Jesus Christ, then they should not be distributing His flesh at Mass.  

His job is to get every parishioner to be a saint.  So is he demanding? Absolutely.  But when someone dies, will they really be upset that they had to spend on extra hour per week with Jesus?  A good pastor gets you to Heaven; he doesn’t just take your money and build things.

My mom’s parish in Connecticut has had a perpetual adoration chapel since Ash Wednesday of 2003 and she goes to her holy hour from 2 to 3 am on Tuesday mornings.  Through her witness, I have seen the tremendous blessings that have occurred as a result of her weekly holy hour.  It is not easy for her to wake up in the middle of the night to pray, but it has changed her life.  

Father Larry said the same thing, adding that churches with perpetual adoration have many more people who have discovered their vocation to the religious life.  He prays for an hour in adoration every day and he encouraged us to pray in adoration once a week.  He also says that he can tell a priest with a good pastor when he sees that pastor sitting in adoration.  Priests must pray for their parishes and if that is not the case, they are not doing their job.

When on the road, he likes to stop into churches that he passes to say a prayer.  Sometimes he finds locked churches.  This happened once in Illinois and six months later, the pastor contacted him to ask if Father Larry would hold his mission at their church.  He refused since they do not keep their church open to the public.  He explained that although his church is in an inner city, he still keeps the door open. Sure, he has security cameras, but it is important to have an open church so that people can go there to pray any time of the day.

He also told us how he was kicked out of seminary.  His preaching was “overly optimistic” and the Franciscans did not believe that he had a good grip on reality.  His first talk in the seminary was about how everyone was called to be a saint, but they wanted him to instead tell messages of God’s love for us.  His second talk was about our need for a daily prayer life and again, they asked him if that was actually realistic.  How would a person with a high-paying job have time for that?  He couldn’t believe that they were upset with him for that message.  How can we not have a daily prayer life and call ourselves Catholics?

So he was thrown out due to “an apparent lack of self knowledge” and a “Pollyanna attitude toward life.”  He didn’t like that term, Polyanna, so he had them change it.  The newer version said “excessively optimistic” attitude.

During seminary, he had a daily holy hour, and people thought that was too extreme.  They looked at him like he was crazy, but he knew how crucial daily prayer life was.  

On another occasion, a parishioner told him that he should leave the priesthood because of his personality.  He was living in Pittsburgh, so he drove 45 minutes to Franciscan University in Steubenville, Ohio, to pray at the Portiuncula Chapel in front of the Blessed Sacrament.  He was in tears praying to Jesus, telling Him that he would leave the priesthood if that was what God wanted.  He then felt hands on his shoulders and a student said, “Father, thank you for being a priest.  We need you.”  God clearly met his needs, which happens for each of us when we pray to Him and share our needs with Him.

He then spoke to us about healing and healing services.  There have been people who were physically healed of their illnesses, but that is not God’s will for everyone.

Father Larry himself even had a mass on his lungs that doubled in size over the course of a month.  The day he had an MRI, he spent some time on his knees in front of the Blessed Sacrament, prayed 10 Memorares (a mini-novena) and then soon received a phone call that the mass was completely gone.

Too many of us believe that sometimes healing works and other times it doesn’t.  But that is not the case.  Healing ALWAYS takes place, but it isn’t always in the way that we expect or desire.  We need to believe that and then we will more easily see God’s miracles in our lives.  

We also have to realize that the greatest healing is death.  Our end goal in life is to end up in Heaven.  This world isn’t our home; we’re just passing through on our journey to Heaven.  We become satisfied by worldly goods.  If we live in a nice home, we feel content, not realizing that the fleeting joys of this life are nothing compared to the ecstasy that is Heaven.

People sometimes say that they don’t understand how God can allow children to die, but an innocent child or baby who dies at only one year old is more blessed than the person who dies at 100 years old because they can skip most of life’s suffering and have a quicker path to Heaven.  That teaching is difficult to accept since we cannot fathom the joys of Heaven, but that is what Jesus has promised.  

Father Larry proposed an interesting analogy.  For nine months, we lived in our mother’s womb.  Everything came from her even though we couldn’t see her until we were born.  We’re in God’s womb, with everything coming from Him, but we can’t see Him until we are born into eternal life.  That is why the saints’ feast days are the days on which they died because that is the day that they entered Heaven.

Life doesn’t truly begin until Heaven and once we accept that teaching, we will stop being afraid of death.  It is what we do now that will determine where we will spend eternal life.  When we die, God will give us whatever it is we loved the most, but if that isn’t Jesus, then Heaven may not be our end.  If we hold onto too many worldly objects, people, and desires, we show God that He isn’t what we love the most.  That is why we need to show our commitment to Him every single day.  We must prove that He is the one we want and love the most.

That is a quite challenging concept.  We want success, love, acceptance, and other worldly pleasures, but none of that will gain us eternal life.  

After discussing adoration and healing, he took Jesus around the church in the Blessed Sacrament.  Having attended Franciscan University, this is something that I was familiar with, but some people may have never understood the real presence of Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament until that evening.  

He told us that while he was going around with Jesus, he wanted us to make an act of faith.  He wanted us to cry out, “My Lord and my God” in our hearts.  To receive healing, faith is necessary, so of course we cannot be healed if we don’t believe it.  For any sacrament to work, we need faith.  We can go to Mass every Sunday and receive communion, but if we don’t believe in Jesus’ real presence in the Eucharist, nothing will ever change in our lives.  The same is true during adoration.  Do we really believe that Jesus is there with us?

He told us not to consider the healing that we wanted for ourselves, but to say, “God, whatever You want, I want” in order to let Him give us the healing that we need.

I saw many people wiping the tears off of their cheeks as Jesus passed them by.  Although I try to attend a weekly holy hour, and I have been to adoration many times, I, too, was moved with awe for Jesus’ love and mercy and I had tears falling down my own cheeks.  

After that, we blessed ourselves with the oil from St. Joseph’s Oratory in Montreal, Canada.  After blessing ourselves, we said, “Saint Joseph, heal me.” And in the event that we receive a physical healing, we need to remember that we were not healed in order to enjoy the rest of our lives; we are healed in order to give greater glory to God.  We are healed so that we may serve others.

One of his last promises for us was that we would die.  We will all become dust, and we can be in that form forever, or we can live forever; it’s our own choice.  We can live our lives for Jesus Christ and spend eternity with Him, or we can avoid Jesus.

He then invited those of us who wanted to surrender our lives to Jesus to kneel down and repeat this prayer: “Lord Jesus Christ, I acknowledge that I am a sinner and I am sorry for my sins.  Please forgive me.  Come into my heart, take control of my life, be my Lord and God and Savior. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit and make me Your disciple.  I love You, Lord Jesus Christ, and I give You my life forever.  Amen.”

Again, he reminded us about the two promises that he made to us at the beginning of the mission.  First, we would not be bored and second, our lives would be changed forever.  Upon surrendering or re-surrendering our lives to Christ, our lives were changed forever.

Father Larry says that he is set on fire by the same Holy Spirit that wants to set us on fire.  God wants us to end our mediocre lives and begin to change the world.  We can do it if we surrender to Him, maintain faith in Him, and heed His will for us.  God wants to use us in mighty ways, but we have to let Him.

In order to allow God to transform us into His disciples, we must do three things:

  1. Sit at the feet of the Master (daily prayer)
  2. Develop the attitude of the Master (be a servant)
  3. Be transformed into the Master (be another Christ…we are called to show the world Jesus)

And he told one last story about an American who was captured in a prisoner of war camp.  He was near a Japanese man who was being tortured for being a traitor.  The American man was a Christian who eventually knew that the Japanese man would die after a day of brutal torture.  He tried telling the Japanese man about Jesus and the Japanese man said that if Jesus was anything like the American man, he couldn’t wait to meet Him.

That’s what it means to be another Christ.  Can the people we encounter say that same thing?  Our husbands, wives, friends, parents, children, employers, employees, neighbors, strangers?  “If Jesus is anything like you, I can’t wait to meet Him.”

We must show Jesus to the world so that they can feel that desire to meet Him.

And ultimately, we must always remember to pray and to love.  That is the best summary of his mission.  Pray and love.  If we do that for the rest of our lives, we will be saints.  We are all called to be saints, which will happen as a result of prayer and love.
Father Larry also asked us to pray for him.  Since he goes around preaching God’s word, the devil goes after him.  He needs our prayers to help him to continue preaching the Truth, staying faithful, not doing anything contrary to the teachings of Christ, and not ever doing anything that brings scandal to the Church.

I wish I had been able to attend the first two days because Wednesday and Thursday were both amazing talks.  I highly suggest looking up some of Father Larry’s videos on YouTube, or his homilies on iTunes.

18451604_421445574880423_7638330293262219811_o
My Bible study group (Young Adults in Faith) with Father Larry Richards

Father Larry Richards – Confession

This past week, St. Gregory the Great Catholic Church, in Hamilton Square, New Jersey, hosted a four-day parish mission led by  Father Larry Richards.  I was unable to attend the event on Monday and Tuesday due to prior obligations, but I made it to Wednesday and Thursday.  Wednesday focused on confession and Thursday focused on adoration and healing.

Wednesday, May 12 – Confession:

This is one of Father Larry’s most famous topics of discussion, so if you were unable to attend the event, you can see him speaking about confession at one of his other parish missions with a quick YouTube search. (Here is Part One on  YouTube.  It has four total parts). [see also: Part Two, Part Three, and Part Four]

Father Larry’s confession talk is extremely powerful in that he is able to make his audience examine their consciences in a way that probably goes deeper than ever before, but he is also able to cause them to feel absolute awe and wonder at God’s mercy.

At different times during the talk, I felt a combination of guilt, shame, gratitude, and overwhelming love.

He explained that mercy is when someone gives something good to someone who doesn’t deserve it.  That’s exactly what Jesus did for each of us in dying on the cross.  Jesus never sinned, yet He experienced excruciating pain in order to enable us to be forgiven for our sins and to one day reach the kingdom of Heaven.  As Catholics, we know this to be true, but often we take it for granted.

Father Larry holds many conferences for men, so he initially spoke to the men and husbands in the audience.  All of us, both men and women, should be praying daily, but it is the husband who is responsible for protecting and praying for his family.  If that is not the case, he is not doing his manly duty and it is problems like this, sins of omission, that are often the most grave sins.

He spoke about the many scrupulous Catholics who are constantly going to confession over every little mistake, but they fail to realize that venial sins are forgiven during Mass.  He says that Catholics should go to confession once a month, unless they have a mortal sin, in which case they must confess that as soon as possible.

He has a very blunt attitude about him, which is refreshing because he speaks the truth, not sugarcoating anything or trying to be politically correct.  There are probably a lot of people who were offended by his words not because they were wrong, but because they were challenging.  Any lukewarm Catholic was probably a bit frightened to understand that simply attending Mass on Sundays is not enough to inherit the kingdom of God.  Even those of us who consider ourselves to be passionately Catholic were pushed in our faith, feeling humbled at the inadequacies he exposed in each of us.  Priests were not exempt either, as he was very clear about the responsibility of priests to pray for their parishes.

He gave us a really good analogy of Jesus as the Good Shepherd.  He once was working on a farm and had to carry a cow to a different area.  While he was walking with the calf on his shoulders, it started to urinate, getting all over him and even into his mouth.  This is the way that we treat Jesus.  All He wants to do is bring us home to Heaven, yet we urinate all over Him through our sins while he is simply carrying us on His shoulders.

I have heard priests discuss the Passion and I watch the film, The Passion of the Christ, every year during Lent to remember Jesus’ suffering, but never have I heard it described the way it was on Wednesday night.

People sometimes wonder whether Jesus can understand their pain when dealing with the loss of loved ones, heartbreak, or even physical pain.  Asking that sort of question is the equivalent of slapping Jesus Christ in the face.  Of course He can understand our pain.  The question is, can we understand His pain?

While Jesus was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, he was sweating blood.  Father Larry told us how our capillaries can burst when we are enduring significant stress and fear.  This is what was happening to Jesus because although He accepted His death for us, that did not mean that he was immune to fear.  He was terrified about the pain that he would soon experience.  

Then, Judas betrayed Him with a kiss on the cheek.  When we are experiencing heartbreak, we sometimes wonder if he can understand.  Jesus didn’t date or marry, so how could He understand the pain of a breakup or divorce?  But those questions show our lack of full understanding.

Jesus IS love.  He loves everyone with a deeper love than we can ever imagine.  He loved Judas, the man who betrayed Him with a kiss.  Did He experience heartbreak in that moment?  Absolutely.  We cannot fully grasp the extent of God’s love while we live in these earthly bodies, so it is we who cannot understand this heartbreak, not Jesus.

Father Larry continued to describe the pain of His Passion in a more detailed way than I have ever heard before.  He described the way Jesus was scourged and how the pieces of metal and sheep bone that were attached to the leather straps on the rod would not just slap Jesus’ skin, but tear it away.  This reminds me of the scourging scene in The Passion of the Christ when the metal on the strap gets stuck in Jesus’ side and is then ripped away with an extra tug.  I am unable to watch that moment in the film, yet this was the way the entire scourging process unfolded.

Father Larry described the crown of thorns as more of a cap of thorns.  The thorns were not like those on your average rose bush; they were one to three inches long and he said that they would have pierced his eyebrows, ears, and even his skull.  

All of this pain, and yet the actual crucifixion had not even begun.  It was then that Jesus had to carry the wooden crossbeam.  It was tied to his arms, but he was so exhausted from the scourging that Jesus could barely walk.  If I was to fall down, I would catch myself with my hands, but every time Jesus fell, He landed flat on his face, with the wood of the cross smashing into the back of His head.  

On most crucifixes, Jesus looks to be in pretty good shape.  We don’t want to terrify the people who enter our churches by portraying Him in a more realistic way, with chunks of flesh removed from his body and other strips of flesh torn and hanging, but that was the reality of the crucifixion.

I have heard so many people who refuse to watch movies about the Passion because it’s too much for them to handle.  I, too, prefer movies that lack that type of gore, but it is necessary to understand.  Father Larry did not mince his words in talking about the crucifixion.  It was absolutely gruesome, but we must realize that in order to be truly aware of the awesome gift Jesus gave to us in His death.

Once He was nailed to the cross, His body would sag down and forward.  He would be gasping for breath, only able to breathe once he pulled himself up by the nails in his wrists.  He only spoke seven times while on the cross, probably because every word was a struggle.

He was hanging there, experiencing more pain than we can ever imagine, yet He said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”  He was forgiving the people who were killing Him at the very moment of His crucifixion.  Yet we sometimes find ourselves unable to forgive those who hurt us years ago.
During the crucifixion, Jesus also established His mother, Mary, as our mother, when he said to John, “Behold your mother.”  He gave us the gift of Mary, yet some Catholics refuse to honor her as they should because they want to focus on Jesus.  We take Jesus’ gift of Mary and say, “No thanks, I’m good.”  She is a gift from God and we must give her the love and gratitude that she deserves as mother of our Savior.  Father Larry told us how he completed St. Louis de Montfort’s Total Consecration to Mary and now wears a chain on his wrist to represent how he is a slave to Jesus through Mary.

Because God cannot be near sin, Father Larry explained that Jesus said, “My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?” when He had accepted all of our sins.  God could not be with Jesus in that moment because Jesus was sin, which could only be overcome through His death.

With that, many of us were already feeling quite guilty, knowing that we had a hand in Jesus’ death.  I’ve met people who don’t like to say “crucify him” aloud when we read the Passion during Lent.  But although we didn’t say that word for word, we say it every time we sin.  We are the ones hammering those nails into Jesus’ hands and shoving the crown of thorns into His head with every sin we commit.


At that point, Father Larry started to review the examination of conscience with us.  

When people hear the term mortal sin, they often think about murder, adultery, and devil worship.  But mortal sin has three facets:

-full knowledge

-full consent

-serious matter

As a practicing Catholic who understands the Church’s teachings, that means that any time I commit a serious sin, it is probably a mortal sin since I know the teachings and I have chosen to commit that sin.  That is absolutely terrifying since it only takes one mortal sin to end up in hell.

Missing Sunday Mass or a holy day of obligation is a mortal sin unless we were really sick or otherwise unable to attend, yet there are tons of Catholics all over the world who are not at Mass each week.  Sure, some of them fail to realize that is sinful, but many of them do and are therefore culpable.  

When Father Larry spoke about the first commandment about not having false gods, he explained that most people never confess that sin, but all of us are guilty of it.  Unless God is always first in our lives, then we are culpable of that sin.  We often value money, success, and relationships more than God, which is shown in our priorities.  If we don’t pray daily, we definitely are guilty of this sin.

Father Larry did not shy away from sins of a sexual nature.  This can be an awkward subject for many, so some Catholics shy away from this topic, but it is a sin that so many people struggle with.  He admitted to dealing with his own lustful temptations on a daily basis.  I think it’s extremely honorable for a priest to stand up in front of over a thousand people and admit to that.  It also helps us to realize that we are not alone, that we all face temptation, but that we also all have the strength to avoid that temptation.

He also said how too many people focus too much on feeling bad about their sins of lust while forgetting about the sins of omission, arguably the worst sins.

He said how he often asks people in confession what they have done to help the poor and whether or not they pray every day.  Failing to do either of those things is much worse than many of the sexual sins that we focus on.  We should all be helping those in need as much as we can, giving 10% of our income away.

We must confess the sin if we ever had an abortion or helped anyone to get an abortion.  He suggests making a good confession and then asking God to reveal the child’s gender.  Then they would name the child, pray to him or her in Heaven, and ask that child for forgiveness.  They will then be united one day in Heaven.

It’s also a sin if we use artificial contraception.  This is a topic that many priests avoid.  Many people don’t want to make too many waves, but we must not forget about pivotal Catholic teachings as a result.  They want to pick and choose which teachings they believe in, but that is not how it works.  When we think back to Jesus’ suffering and death, we know that it was a result of each of our sins.  It is not up to us to decide.

Many frequently people say “oh my God!”  That is a sin that used to be punishable by death.  Just because we hear other Catholics and sometimes even priests or nuns say it does not mean that it is not a sin.  We have no right to take the Lord’s name in vain.

People often think they’re safe in terms of the fifth commandment since they haven’t killed, but we commit that sin every time we feel anger.  Anger is not of God.  Father Larry admitted to struggling with this on a daily basis.  Again, it was refreshing to understand that we are not alone in our struggles.  Priests aren’t immune from temptation and sin either.

After he reviewed the examination of conscience, we said the Act of Contrition aloud.  There were eleven priests who would be hearing confessions and he told us to be quick, not using it as a time for counseling since there were so many people there.  He also said that if we were one of those scrupulous people who had just been to confession three days ago, we needed to go to the back of the line to allow other people to confess their sins.  

The next night, he said how he ended up hearing confessions until 12:10 am and how there were some people there who had not been to confession in over fifty years.  He wanted to make sure that people in situations like that would not have to stand in the back of a line, possibly changing their mind and leaving with all of that sin hanging onto them.

Although I go to confession regularly, I felt even more renewed after confession on Wednesday.  I had never delved that deeply into an examination of conscience.   I had never felt so guilty about the sins that I have committed but simultaneously, I had never felt so loved and grateful for God’s mercy.

When my CCD students went to confession this year, I explained how fortunate they would be if they ever died on a day they went to confession.  They were obviously taken aback, but Father Larry explained the same thing, how if we died following a good confession, we would go straight to Heaven.  He even mentioned his movie idea of a priest who performs confessions and then slits the throats of the person who just confessed his or her sins since that would get them straight into Heaven.

Father Larry promised that during this mission, nobody would ever be bored and that their lives would be changed forever.  Through his animated, enthusiastic speech, jokes, and storytelling, we were definitely never bored.  And our lives were definitely changed forever.  I will never consider my examination of conscience the same way I had before hearing this talk.
I am so grateful that I was able to attend Wednesday night’s talk and I hope to be able to share Father Larry’s messages with the people who were not able to attend the mission.

IMG_0422.JPG
Confession lines on Wednesday night

The Most Romantic Love Song?

I was driving home from work the other day and the dj on the radio was introducing the next song by saying that it is the most romantic song.  It’s the song that people should play when spending time with their significant others on Valentine’s Day.
Which song is that, you may ask?  James Arthur’s song, “Say You Won’t Let Go.”
Now I’m not here to rant about the song itself.  I actually like the song.  However, I hope that anyone who listens closely to the lyrics can understand why I absolutely do not believe that it is the most romantic song.
Does it sound nice?  Yes.  If you don’t listen to the first verse, it sounds like a super emotional love song.  But let’s take a closer look.  Here is the video if you don’t know which song I’m referring to: James Arthurt – “Say You Won’t Let Go”
Here are the beginning lyrics:
I met you in the dark, you lit me up
You made me feel as though I was enough
We danced the night away, we drank too much
I held your hair back when
You were throwing up
Then you smiled over your shoulder
For a minute, I was stone-cold sober
I pulled you closer to my chest
And you asked me to stay over
I said, I already told ya
I think that you should get some rest
I knew I loved you then
But you’d never know
‘Cause I played it cool when I was scared of letting go
I know I needed you
But I never showed
But I wanna stay with you until we’re grey and old
Just say you won’t let go

This is the love song of 2017, according to that dj?  Gosh, I hope not.
We danced the night away, we drank too much
I held your hair back when
You were throwing up
They went out dancing, got wasted, and the girl was puking while he held back her hair.  Cute.  Not my idea of the start of any really romantic love song.  Let’s continue.
Then you smiled over your shoulder

For a minute, I was stone-cold sober
I pulled you closer to my chest
And you asked me to stay over
I said, I already told ya
I think that you should get some rest
I knew I loved you then
So he realized that he loved this girl in the middle of her puke fest?  Picture that for a moment.  Two people go out to the club, dance the night away, and drink too much.  They go back to the girl’s apartment.  The guy needs to hold her hair back while she vomits from her binge drinking.  In the middle of all of this, she turns around to look at him over her shoulder.  Her mouth probably still reeks of vomit residue, her eyes are probably red and glassy from alcohol and fatigue.  He’s drunk too, but he feels sober for a moment when he makes eye contact with her.
She wants him to spend the night with her (mind you, all of this is said while under the influence of alcohol).  He says she needs to sleep (clearly, since she’s drunk enough to puke).  But at that moment, he has the epiphany that he is in love.
Aww, the doves may now be released.  What could sound more romantic?  If only I had a similar story to tell.  If only a guy loved me that much.
Sorry for the sarcasm.  But seriously.  Can we put our standards for love a little bit higher than this?  I don’t want someone to fall in love with me while I’m puking due to my bad decisions in drinking too much.  I don’t want someone to realize their love for me only while they’re intoxicated.
Can we not expect more from our relationships?
Sure, the song gets better later on in talking about how the couple will spend their lives together and raise children together, so it’s not just a one night stand.  But still.  It should by no means be considered one of the most romantic love songs.
Let’s write a song about how much we love our significant other because they push us every single day to be the best version of ourselves.  Let’s discuss how we knew it was love when we realized that we wanted to be that person’s partner through not just the fun times and adventures, but the mundane tasks of daily life as well.  We look up to the person for their character and personality, and we feel utter awe and respect for them.  We love them so much that we desire the best for their future, even if that does not necessarily include us beside them.  We are willing to let them go if that is what would be the best for them, but we hope with all our might that that is not the case.
That is the love song that I want to hear.  That is much more romantic than a song about realizing we love someone while they are so drunk that they are getting sick.