Finding Peace

I have now been single for 10 days.  Is it easier than last week?  Definitely.  That doesn’t mean that it’s actually easy, but I’m beginning to find peace with my situation.

I don’t like to admit this, but I am always closer to God when I’m experiencing a struggle, whether it’s a breakup, illness, or the death of someone I love.  When I am faced with situations where I have no control, it is always God who I turn to.  I wish that I could spend this much energy on being with Him when I’m experiencing joyful moments.  I try to be thankful for the good times, but it’s so much easier to forget about prayers and thanksgiving when I’m simply enjoying life.

I think that we all need these moments that throw us onto the ground in pain in order to fully rely on Him the way that we should.

The same thing happened when I broke up with the guy I was dating during college.  When we broke up,  I found myself in adoration way more often than I had when we were dating.  And it wasn’t because I was dating guys who weren’t religious.  Both of them were religious and did help lead me closer to God.  But both times, I’ve gotten even closer to God once becoming single and feeling so desperate.

I have been starting every morning by first reading a passage from my devotional, and then reading a passage from the Lent booklet that I got from church.  Before my breakup, I prayed, but I didn’t allow myself that extra time in the morning.

I am now finding that things are happening at perfect moments, and I know that it is God’s way of helping me to not feel so miserable or so depressed.

-Many of the passages in the God Calling book have been spot on, telling me to wait, and have peace, and remember that I must rely on God’s will instead of my own.  It’s difficult, but that’s what I’ve been doing.

-I had been planning to try yoga for a while now, but I just hadn’t gotten around to it.  Yet this past Sunday I found a Groupon for 10 sessions of hot yoga for only $45, so I signed up.

-I went to yoga on Monday and the instructor mentioned that she, too, has Lyme disease, and that her mother (a Lyme specialist) happened to also be there that night (even though her mom rarely goes to her yoga classes).  Coincidence?  I think not.

-Since it’s Lent and I gave up all music that isn’t Christian, all I can do while driving is listen to Christian radio or Christian cds and I think that is also helping my mindset.

-On Wednesday I went to a professional development dinner at work, so it was nice to find some things to keep myself busy.

-Tomorrow I will go to Stations of the Cross at my church.

-Saturday I’ll probably go to another hot yoga class in the morning and then go to church in the evening.

-Sunday I’ll meet a friend to go hiking.

It just seems like things are working out in a way that allows me to keep my mind focused on things other than my ex.  It’s been 10 days and I haven’t contacted him once.  At times, it has required every ounce of my energy to avoid picking up my phone and texting or calling him, but so far, I’ve been strong.  I still think about him quite a bit.  I still have dreams about him, but I am finally able to not feel like I am on the brink of tears all day long.

It’s getting easier not to contact him.  When I think about it, I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone if I have to beg or plead or explain myself.  I want someone who can’t imagine living life without me.  Do I still love my ex? Absolutely.  Am I ready to move on and date somebody new?  No.  Definitely not.

Sure, I still hope that we’re meant to be and that he just needs some time to himself for some reason, but I am finding more peace in understanding that that may not be the case.  He may not be the man for me.

If that ends up being the case, that’s not what my heart currently desires, but it just means that there is somebody better out there.  I really believe that things happen for a reason.  So maybe he needs the time apart to realize that we really were good for each other.  Or maybe we really aren’t good for each other and I just need to take the time to realize that.

Maybe I needed this relationship to give me the courage to move to New Jersey.  Maybe if I hadn’t been dating a guy from New Jersey, I would have ended up lacking the courage that was required to move to a new state and a new job.

Maybe I needed him to help me through the death of my beloved dog, Butterscotch.  I spent so much time down here in Jersey that summer because I couldn’t bear the thought of being at home in my empty apartment.

I don’t know any answers right now.  I have no idea where I’ll be 6 months from now.  I could be with my ex all over again, happier than ever, ready to get engaged.  I could be with my ex again, realizing that it was a mistake, and facing another breakup.  I could be single and happy, or single and miserable, or I could be with someone entirely new.  Pretty much anything can happen.

I knew all of this from the moment he ended the relationship, but it’s taken time to really process everything and come to peace.  I know that God wants what is best for me, so I am trying my hardest to be open to whatever that plan entails.

Today I was listening to a song called “Times” by Tenth Avenue North.  The words fit my current emotions perfectly.  Part of the song goes:

“I hear You say,
My love is over. It’s underneath.
It’s inside. It’s in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can’t feel.
The times that you question, ‘Is this for real? ‘
The times you’re broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it’s underneath.
It’s inside, it’s in between.
These times you’re healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you’re falling from grace.
The times you’re hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I’m there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I’m there through your heartache.
I’m there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My power alone.
I don’t care where you fall, where you have been.
I’ll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends. “

It’s a beautiful song that you can listen to below if you’re interested:

I can’t listen to this song without crying.  But in this case, the tears come more from the humility I feel when I hear it than from the sadness surrounding my breakup.

Here I am, crying over an ex-boyfriend, forgetting the pain that Jesus went through for me.  My pains are so insignificant compared to Him dying on a cross for me.  Yet despite all of that, He is here to help me to get through each of these storms.  He is here to help me to heal my broken heart.  He won’t ever leave me alone, no matter how lonely and isolated I may feel.

And that is what is allowing me to find peace in my current darkness.