Monthly Archives: January 2016

To Fight or Not to Fight?

To fight or not to fight, that is the question.

Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer

From the liars and cheaters who take advantage.

Or to stand up for what is right and just

By opposing them in the end.

 

Thank you, Shakespeare and Hamlet (with some tweaking) for today’s inspiration.  I do not, however, thank the people who are causing this frustrating post.

That’s really my current question, though.  To fight or not to fight?

At what point do we stand up for ourselves so that people can no longer walk all over us?  Or, at what point do we decide to lay back down into that position of submission in order to avoid facing repercussions for doing the former?

In some situations, it’s tough to stand up and fight, even if we’re only fighting something that we’re owed, both legally and ethically.  Every action has a reaction.  I’m not scared of standing up for myself.  I’m not scared of the action.  What I am scared of is the reaction.  However, I’m also disappointed about my inaction.

I can’t elaborate on my current predicament, but I have been doing a lot of inaction as of late.  I’m in a position where I need to obey certain people.  I need to be a bit docile.  The people-pleasing side of my has been very apparent in my day to day life lately.  The smiley Stephanie is trying to maintain that smile despite the gritted teeth that are hiding beneath.

In the course of all of that, I’m being treated like a doormat.  So do I continue with the inaction, thus continuing to be walked all over (but maintaining my security in my position as a doormat), or do I react?  Do I fight for what is owed to me (but face possible negative reactions later)?  These negative reactions could be quite major.  They could cause certain things to become living hell for me.

So that is the question

 

 

 

 

Lyme Brain

This morning I realized that I lost my wallet.  Today is Friday.  I lost it Wednesday afternoon and didn’t notice until today.  It’s actually quite ironic because I found a wallet in the parking lot yesterday and turned it in, hoping that nobody had found the wallet before me and removed the cash, since all that’s inside was a license and debit card.

The exact same thing happened to me just a month ago.  At the exact same store.  On December 2nd, I left my wallet at Stop & Shop.  Two days later, I realized it was missing.  Someone had turned it into customer service and I got it back, without anything removed.

Apparently this week, my memory was just as flakey as it was in December.  On Wednesday, January 20th, I went shopping at Stop & Shop.  It wasn’t until this morning (Friday, January 22nd) that I noticed t hat it was missing.

My first reaction is thanksgiving toward the fact that people have turned in my wallet both times.  But then I also feel like a complete idiot.  I had to go back to Stop & Shop to get my wallet for the second time.  They probably wonder who this stupid girl is who can’t keep track of her belongings.

My main concern is that I don’t know how to fix this problem.  I’m thinking it has something to do with my “Lyme brain” and memory fog.  But how to I make a change?  How do I force myself to remember to check if my wallet is with me everywhere I go?

I can deal with the join pain.  I can deal with the fatigue.  But how many more times will I lose my wallet?  And when will it be the time that I lose it and someone decides to steal everything inside rather than turning it in?

My wallet sat in the parking lot for who knows how long?  It could have easily been swiped.  Or someone could have easily taken the cash and gift cards before turning it in.  I don’t deserve to be so lucky despite my dumb behavior.

I’m obviously happy about the way it all turned out, but I just can’t believe it happened again.

My White Privilege

I am a white, American, heterosexual female.  The only more ideal human body I could have received upon birth would have been a male body, though with the way our country is progressing, I don’t personally believe that living as a female in 21st century America is all that difficult.

I was given a gift from the time of birth, simply because of the body I was born into.


I’m a high school English teacher.  Every day, my students must write journal entries about a variety of topics and questions that I pose to them. Working in an urban school, I’m sometimes taken aback by my students’ journal entries since their upbringing and surroundings differ so much from my own, having grown up in a small, suburban, middle to upper class town in Connecticut.

Growing up with a single mom, we had our fair share of struggles, but they still seem so insignificant compared to some of the obstacles facing my students.

On one particular day, I gave my students a journal prompt to write about the things that they fear.

I had multiple students who wrote that their biggest fear was being punished for a crime that they did not commit.

Having grown up as a white American, this fear has never even crossed my mind.  Sure, there is corruption in the world, but I have never been afraid that someone would charge me with a crime that I am not guilty of committing.  We live in America, after all, a nation founded on liberty and justice for all.

So what, then, is so different about my students?

Namely, their races.  Unfortunately, because of the bodies they were born into, some of my students are not unreasonable in their fear of a false conviction. Just because of their appearance, many people will make assumptions about them, and they are aware of that fact.  I’m not teaching the innocent elementary school students who are still naive to these issues.  I teach 17 and 18 year old high school seniors who have experienced quite a bit in their lives.  They see the world around them; they know that this fear is not unfounded.

On the news lately, there has been one story after another about inmates who were finally released from prison or even death row since their innocence was found.  In the past few months, I have only seen this occur with black males.

We publish these stories in the media and label them successes.  Yay, another innocent prisoner was released!  Our justice system is doing its job, realizing and correcting its mistakes.

But why are there so many of these mistakes?

There are people who have been released from prison after 20 years of incarceration.  Yes, they may initially feel relief and excitement, but I’m not sure if that’s the most fitting long-term reaction.

What about the anger towards the justice system that allowed a man to be robbed of 20 years of his life?  Oops.  He was innocent.  We’ll send him on his way with some money, and he’ll at least be happy to be out of his jail cell.  Even if his criminal record is removed, how will he find a job with a blank resume?  What about the families and children who are being raised with parents who they know are sitting in jail cells because of their skin color rather than their crime (or lack thereof)?

And why do I keep seeing these mistakes among the black prisoners?

Part of the problem is that they’re found guilty before they even open their mouth in a court room.  They’re guilty from the moment prosecutors and jurors lay eyes on them.

Sure, it’s the year 2016, and we’ve come a long way from the days of segregation, but that doesn’t mean that the mindset of the American public has changed.

I’m not saying that I am free from all prejudice.  We all have our own preconceived notions and prejudices.  But it is such a shame to know that my 17 and 18 year old students are already afraid of being wrongly convicted.  Others are afraid of police brutality.  This is their reality.

This is the America in which we live.

The America where white skin still reigns supreme above all else.

The America where, just because of my appearance, I will not be followed by the eyes of storekeepers who are assuming that I may try to shoplift.

We can try to convince ourselves that our country is fair and that our justice system does a good job of putting the actual criminals into jail cells, but that just doesn’t seem to be the case.

We live in a time when white privilege is still an easy ticket to success.  Sure, people of a minority background can and do achieve the same success as us, but it’s like we white folks have been given the fast pass.

We jump right onto that amusement park ride while we pass everyone else who is still standing on that long line.  They may eventually reach the front and find their own success, but it takes a bit longer and a bit more effort.

I worked hard for the things that I have, but I don’t think that I can deny the fact that my white privilege probably helped.  Had I grown up in an inner city as a black female, things would have shifted significantly.

So I guess I’m grateful for my white privilege because I have attained success in my life, but at the same time, I am completely ashamed by it and I sincerely wish that this wasn’t the reality in which I lived.

It’s unfair.  But I guess that’s what we all realize as we grow older.  Life simply isn’t fair.

 

 

 

2015: My Year in Review

Last year, I wrote a blog entitled 2014 Year in Review.  2014 was a busy year, and also on of the saddest years of my life since I had to put my dog, Butterscotch, to sleep.  But there were also positive memories like multiple Spartan races, spring break in Marco Island, Florida, and a trip to Brazil for my sister’s wedding.

Unfortunately, I was not able to run even one race in 2015 since I was dealing with Lyme symptoms for the majority of the year.  I’m hoping that will change for 2016.  Regardless, though, I still had a pretty great 2015.

Here’s a look at this past year.  2015 in Review:

JANUARY:

-Started off the New Year with Matt making dinosaur chicken nuggets and shaped mac & cheese for dinner

-Annual trip to Frost Valley (in Claryville, NY) with my family

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New Year’s Eve dinner courtesy of Matthew
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At High Falls – Frost Valley
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Our family at Frost Valley

FEBRUARY:

-Family party at the dinner theater for my Grandma’s 80th birthday

-Day trip to Philly with Matthew

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Westchester Dinner Theater in NY
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Drexel’s Academy of Natural Sciences in Philly
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New Year’s Eve dinner courtesy of Matthew

MARCH:

-My mom’s birthday

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APRIL:

-Hosting my family’s Easter at my apartment in Danbury

-Trip to the Philadelphia Zoo

-Spring break in Orange Beach, Alabama with my mom

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Easter
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Easter egg hunt
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Easter

 

MAY:

-Impractical Jokers at Mohegan Sun for my mom’s birthday present

-DHS Senior prom at the Amber Room

-Mother’s Day party at my grandparents’ house

-One year anniversary with Matthew

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Impractical Jokers at Mohegan Sun
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DHS Senior Prom – The Amber Room
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Mother’s Day

JUNE:

-Belated anniversary dinner at the Churrascaria in Port Chester, NY

-What I didn’t realize at the time was my last DHS graduation, since I was not yet aware that I would be moving to new Jersey less than 2 months later

-Going to see the Twin Lights in Highlands, NJ

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One year anniversary dinner

JULY:

-4th of July party for my grandpa’s birthday

-Getting hired as an English teacher in New Jersey

-Finding my new apartment

-One week vacation in Long Beach Island, NJ

-My 27th birthday

-Mission trip to Rwanda with Visiting Orphans

 

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Grandpa’s birthday
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My 27th birthday
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LBI with my mom
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Long Beach Island, New Jersey

 

AUGUST:

-Visiting my sponsored child, Patience, in Rwanda

-Gorilla trekking in Rwanda

-Visiting Lizzy in Virginia

-Packing up my classroom at DHS

-Visiting Brazilian family in New York City

-Moving from Danbury, CT to Belmar, NJ

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My sponsored child, Patience
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With Patience’s family

 

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Manassas, Virginia
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Packing up my classroom…very bittersweet
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New classroom in Jersey

SEPTEMBER:

-Starting my 6th year of teaching and first year teaching in Jersey.

-Grandma & Grandpa’s 60th anniversary party

OCTOBER:

-Tyler Ward concert

-New last day of the season swimming record: October 11th

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Tyler Ward concert in Asbury Park
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Swimming in the ocean in Belmar on October 11th

NOVEMBER:

-Visiting with Amy and going up to Massachusetts with her for a wedding

-Thanksgiving

-Jets vs. Dolphins football game for Matthew’s birthday present

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Tina & Tony’s wedding in Massachusetts with Amy

DECEMBER:

-Christmas Eve at Grandma & Grandpa’s house

-Christmas in Connecticut

-Visiting Amy in Austin

-Visiting Dan, Vivi, and Ryan in San Antonio

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Trying on cowboy hats in Austin
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HOPE Outdoor Gallery in Austin
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Austin, Texas
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San Antonio River Walk

2015 ended up being a pretty busy year.  I spent time in Connecticut, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Alabama, Massachusetts, Texas, and Rwanda.  Now it’s time to see what 2016 will bring…